It's the screaming 3 year-old I'm dragging through the mall, quite literally kicking and screaming.
I used to judge moms like me with thoughts like:
- she just really needs to get it together!
- that poor kid, he must have NO discipline!
- yikes...she probably works all the time and the daycare raises him...
- I bet that the dad is out of the picture...
- he must LIVE on sugar!
- why in the world does that mom let it happen?! How ridiculous...
- maybe they are just autistic ...
- It's probably cause he needs more attention because of the new baby the mum has...
Annnnnnd the other 5% - he melts down, in nuclear proportions...my Chernobyl child. Kicking, screaming at the very top of his lungs, freaking out, weeping - you'd think I was torturing him...taking him to military school...or kidnapping him...
I am not the mom I thought I would be...I thought I'd "have it all together"....I thought I'd be firm and disciplined and that would equate to a well behaved child...I thought a good diet, with no sugar, would mean my kid wouldn't be so explosive and impulsive...I thought all his breastfeeding and organic food would make him into perfection...I thought I'd take my kid jogging every day and be this fit mom with this easy kid...
But that's not how it is...we are firm and strict with him, but he talks back to me, yells at me, he explodes when we try to leave anywhere that he wants to stay....I don't work that much, and his nanny is awesome...he isn't raised by a daycare....my husband is the most involved father out there...my son rarely eats sugar(or even processed food) at all....and I'm not "letting" it happen....in fact, my soul weeps that I don't know how to help him. We don't even go for walks, because he either wants to run his own way, climb out of the stroller, or freak out when we head home....so we just don't do walks anymore...
And I'm exhausted...I'm exhausted of giving 10, 5, 2, and 1 minute warnings, only to still be kicked when the time comes. I am so so tired of being stared at when my child is screaming "NO!" at the top of his lungs while I put his shoes back on, because he decided to brawl with the girl that took her (or someone's...) toy out of his hands when he wasn't ready to give it up...I'm tired of all of it...I walk on eggshells, hoping and praying that maybe today...mayyyybe today, we won't have a Chernobyl meltdown....maybe we can leave happily and continue about our day...maybe I won't leave here embarrassed that we've disturbed everyone's day...
Sometimes, it happens...sometimes all goes well...
Most of the time, there are tears involved, there's screaming, and it's usually on both of our parts....I have no idea what to do at this point(not an invitation to offer advice)...it has been TWO YEARS of researching, efforts, dietary changes, and discipline methods, only to yield SQUAT....nothing....nothing has changed...this is WHO HE IS, and it isn't my fault!
So I'm writing this to you, so have compassion for "me", when you see "me" with a Chernobyl child...It probably has nothing to do with their parenting...it might just be that the child is insanely strong-willed and you caught them on their 5% of nuclear meltdown mode. If you could only walk a week in my shoes...
Please, do not offer advice....it isn't helpful...I know that whatever we are doing "isn't working"...I'm aware of the glaring issues we have in our family...I'm glad you are at level "excellent" in parenting, and I'm clearly at level "beginner"...but please...I've spent most of my waking, and even sleeping, moments worrying, and researching, about my child...we've tried it all, done is all, and that's all that needs to be said about that.
Pray for Daniel and I...Pray for Samuel....every.single.day is a struggle....and coupled with very little sleep, because of my nursling infant, I'm just so exhausted, with every fiber of my being...with every way to be exhausted....mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted...
Thanks for reading,
A melting down mommy with a weeping soul....
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