As October came to a close, I remembered so many of my friends who had suffered miscarriages and still borns...pain I hoped never to bear. I prayed for those women....my sister especially... Pregnancy and birth announcements, rom some of those same friends, filled my Facebook newsfeed....I was actually kind of excited...I was hoping to announce my own new pregnancy this Christmas. Still in the very, VERY, early weeks...like one or two weeks, I knew I was pregnant. I.just.knew. I knew with my 2 year old, within a day or two of conception...I knew. It took a test nearly four weeks to catch on, but I was certainly pregnant. This time around, I knew, but there was no time for a test to catch up. Unfortunately, my little life only blessed me for a short time. I woke up one morning knowing I was pregnant, and about a week later, knowing I had lost the baby. A few days after that, I started the miscarriage process. It wasn't that rough, as I was so early, and I was mainly confused...perhaps I wasn't truly pregnant? Maybe I just psyched myself out? Perhaps it was just a chemical pregnancy? (That is still a possibility)...
But I know what I felt...I felt pregnant...I had this immense joy overflowing in me...my breasts started aching with the awakening of glands...I started sleeping oddly and needing my naps...I would cry over silly little things, which is NOT typical of me at all! And then I woke up that morning, and it was just...gone. Just a few days later, I started with a strange spotting and clotting...and it didn't progress into a full "period"...for 8 days this went on...then BOOM...a heavy, bright red, weird cramping, period just came over me...oh little Life...you were so wanted...
I am still not sure how to cope with this loss...a life no one, but myself, can confirm existed. Daniel was even convinced, as he remembered these same symptoms almost three years ago. But with some research and my over-awareness of my body, I am sure this is what happened.
If you are the praying sort, please pray for me...please pray that I start coping with this, and that my rainbow baby is in my near future...I'm kind of in shock. We have been "trying" for over a year and a half...and I weaned my son 6 months ago, with hopes of pregnancy...and this miscarriage has given me hope my body is at least changing...,but it is also scary thinking that this happened also...will it happen again? Will it be worse next time? Will I ever have another healthy pregnnacy? I so desperately want more children and for my son to have siblings - plural...as in, at least two more babies...and it breaks my heart I already have one in heaven waiting for me...
I am exhausted, as I lie here remembering Oct 30...the day it was confirmed Baby was no more...the ache of joining that "one in four" club, at the end of the month devoted to remembering those lost little ones...a life only I knew.
I draw upon the Word in this time...Psalm 20:4 "May He grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans!" vs 9b "May He answer us when we call."
With sadness and exhaustion,
Becca H.
