On Dec 28th, at 1:30, we had our 20 week ultrasound appointment with my friend, who runs her own studio doing ultrasounds. She has done all of my ultrasounds for all of my babies and has a wonderful little business - Images of Life. We arrived...but even on the way, my husband asked me, "are you sure everything is okay? This pregnancy has just been so different"...and he was right...it had been so different...and we were about to find out just HOW different...All along both of us had thought something about this pregnancy was just not right...we always brushed those feelings off...but the Lord was preparing our hearts...but nothing truly prepares you for this...
As soon as she put the wand to my belly, I knew something was wrong...there was hardly any waters around the baby...and no movement...and no heartbeat...my worst fears confirmed in an instant. He had never been a very "active" baby...both of my two living children were uterine acrobats...and he was...just not. I had felt a little movement at times...a few twists and turns...a kick here and there...but NOTHING like my other two. His heartbeat was always challenging to find at midwife appointments, as well. He didn't "fight" like my other two, either...I could poke them, and they'd kick me back with the strength of a full grown house cat - even at YOUNG gestations....Emilia was 12 weeks and kicking me knowingly...Samuel was 15 weeks...here I was at 20 weeks, with almost none of that ever. A soft kick here or there...a roll or nudge...
So Lyndsay, my ultrasound friend, measured the baby and spoke with me so kindly and sweetly...she explained everything she could see and identify - he was measuring around 17 weeks (hospital later said 17 weeks and 6 days...so 18 weeks to keep it simple)...and I was 20 and a half weeks. She showed me fluid on his abdomen and his head wasn't shaped right - because he had started to deteriorate. I am so glad I chose to use her, instead of the "normal" ultrasound place that most people go to near me...receiving devastating news, from a friend, in a comfortable environment is so much better than a tiny ultrasound room from a random tech. It was like I had started a journey and angels joined me for every part...Lyndsay was angel #1...
Lyndsay called my midwife, confirmed I needed to go to Labor and Delivery at Holmes, and hugged me tight...we went home, grabbed things for my kids to have at my parents, a small bag of things for me, and off we went to the hospital.
I had angels at every step of the way.
The security guard that admitted me at the hospital was SO kind...and immediately knew what happened and so understanding...I went to pre-registration - and they pulled me and my medicaid immediately on their system...and my next angel was a nurse friend of mine, Stephanie, who greeted me right behind the big admission doors...she was able to stay with me for some time before heading out...a warm comfort amidst so much sorrow...
My next angel was my doctor...Doctor Hayes...MANY of my friends have seen him as their OB and I knew I could "trust" him as much as I could, knowing my friends who've used him for their births and all the great things they had to say about him. He is not normally the hospitalist on...this was a super unusual situation....but I know, God put him there, that day, for me...the hospitalist for me. So much information was given me about possibilities why this happened - he was extremely educated and thorough and ordered 18 vials of bloodwork to test me for basically everything possible - all the results that came back while I was there, showed everything in very normal levels - but many of the tests will take some time for results. Everything from blood glucose to thyroid was all well in normal parameters though, that had quick results! Doctor Hayes would be my doctor till 7am, and likely my delivering doctor. He made recommendations - for Cytotec and antibiotics and an epidural and a few other possible meds. I told him I was NOT getting the abx after my near death experience from my previous round nearly 12 years ago...and I hated my epidural from my son's birth 5 years ago...he said "well, you had an 11 pound baby at home, you are definitely okay with pain, but this will be different - your body isn't ready for this in the same way. I'll have morphine and Tylenol with hydocodone ready if you request it". I asked for Motrin for a then pounding headache, and that was the only pain relief I've used thus far...
I had an awesome nurse, Lindsay, who did my IV...she was gentle and kind and helpful in every way...
I was next taken to Kelli...She apparently knows basically half of my church and much of the staff and took care of them with their babies..."Angel" doesn't begin to describe her. There are no words of thanks I could ever offer her for all the kindness she gave me. I was her only patient till 7am - which is when she left...she hung out with us...she rubbed my leg at every possible moment when I just wanted my mom near me...she cried with us...she held Laban with the most care and gentleness...
My midwife, Pam, came and sat with me for a time...she told me about this journey...and what a holy time it will be for our family....she has ALWAYS been an angel through all of my babies...
A friend, Jessica Regan, who just adores Emilia(my daughter), came and prayed with me that night before I fell asleep...and snuck me some much needed snacks! Also a godsend!
My pastor that married Daniel and I - Pastor David - came the next morning to pray with us and comfort us...
My friend Jennifer who took my daughter's birth photos, and many other family photos for us, came to photograph Laban...she also runs a charity called Cherishing the Journey. She brought a memory box of ways to remember Laban, as well as gift bags for Emilia and Samuel for them to grieve in this process...What a sweet friend to be there at such time of sorrow.
And shortly after Jennifer left...the journey home began...
So back to the birth...
I really didn't want Cytotec...I have heard bad things, but my pitocin receptors aren't developed enough at 20 weeks to use that to induce...and I didn't want to go home and wait for baby, knowing he had already been gone at least a week. But it is basically the only option - given in four separate doses with four hours in between each dose. They do not give all doses if you do not end up needing them...I tend to be very sensitive to meds, so a huge prayer for us was that I respond well and quickly to it, and not need all four. My sister was given the same drug through a similar journey and needed all four doses and had a long and arduous labor...something we were desperately hoping to avoid. An hour after the first dose, I started contractions, but they fizzled out after about an hour. I was given the second dose around 10:30, and I fell asleep around 11:30...I woke up around 1:10 am...I was having strong contractions...and ended up moaning through them around 1:15/1:20...so I called Kelli in...went to the bathroom...she checked me - I was only two centimeters and she could feel his bag of waters. We thought he was breech, so this was a little surprising to us, but we were okay with that. The contractions picked up in intensity and pain VERY quickly...from 1:30-2 - it was mere seconds in between very sharp contractions that I was just trying to survive. With my last baby, I did lots of rocking and counter pressure and moving...this was literally just grip the bed and hang on...I knew this baby was coming quickly. At 2:00 I said, "the baby is coming..." and I could feel him descend... Kelli confirmed and got Doctor Hayes in there...and everything STOPPED. All the contractions...just.stopped. I could feel the baby "crowning" for lack of a better term...Hayes said, "ok, I need you to bear down - to push - just a little..." so I did one little push...and felt the baby give a bit...and then one more little push...and he was free of me...
He was born en caul - in his amniotic sack - and the whole placenta was delivered intact, as well. Hayes was so gentle and kind...he let me watch as he delicately removed Laban's body from the sack...his waters were so dark...he had a few clots in his cord...but he was perfect...looked so much like Samuel already...it was then that we found out Laban was a boy...up till this point, we didn't know the gender. I cut his cord...my mom cut both my other babies' cords...it was strangely therapeutic for me for me to cut this baby off from the thing that once gave it life. We didn't have a name ready.....as I held his delicate little body, we looked up names...I wanted his name to really mean something...so we looked up Bible names...but I was so overwhelmed in emotions...so I found a good list on a website, and Daniel picked out Laban. It means "shining". And he is shining with the angels and we know that!!! I picked out the middle name, Joel. Joel means Yahweh is God. I have always liked that name...it was also the name of my pastor growing up, who died of brain cancer several years ago...he was a great man of God, an excellent father to his children, and a great friend to my parents...Daniel didn't care for the name Joel, so for a middle name, of a child we mourn, it didn't matter to him...he said, 'name him whatever you want...' Laban Joel was so perfect...
Doctor Hayes assured me so very intensely, and gently...this was nothing I did...this was nothing I didn't do...this was nothing that could have been prevented or prepared for or in any way my fault...he told me to not let those thoughts in as they try to creep in...he teared up and said how truly sorry he was for our loss...and how sometimes bad things happen to good people. He told me how great I did and how strong I was to endure this...and labor the way that I did...He hugged me warmly...he shook Daniel's hand...and that was the last that I saw him...
Kelli stayed with me through so much at this point...I slept a bit...I woke up for a bit...I went back to sleep for a bit...adrenaline, exhaustion, pain, emotions, post partum all the things...it was all very confusing and surreal. I both wanted to hold Laban forever, and also not hold him...it was so hard...seeing this soft fragile baby in my arms....knowing he was gone....it was so strange...so many confusing emotions...seeing him look like Samuel, but Samuel was the epitome of strength, even at birth...missing my babies at home...
My mom came and saw him, and my day progressed...no one was forcing us out of the hospital, and they wanted me very very stable and "ready" to leave...my mom found a great funeral home that will cremate the baby for free for us. The hospital helped us make those arrangements.
I posted on facebook about the situation...and have had the most tremendous outpouring of love I have ever seen or felt...People all over the country - sending me money through paypal...reaching out to me through messages...my church sending me flowers...the warmth, support, and love has been so overwhelming...
We have been so blessed in this process:
-I responded to the meds and had a fast labor...didn't need the abx or extreme pain management. My husband said "you did so good honey....really...you did." I later said something about being something of a birthing beast...he said "I know...you are...it's very impressive..." I'm so thankful for the strength the Lord has given me....to endure things like this...
-I had no hemorrhaging and placenta was delivered intact. A "healthy" delivery, like my other two babies...
-Laban was protected by the amniotic sack delivery and his body was much more preserved than had it been a typical "delivery". I'm forever grateful the Lord spared him that physical trauma...
-Every single hospital staff person at the hospital was incredibly kind, helpful, and gentle with me and our situation.
It has absolutely been the best scenario of the worst situation.
I have had so many wonderful people reach out to me with similar stories...so many. I've been surrounded in a sisterhood of support and love and grief...
So many people eagerly volunteered to bring us meals, to give us gifts, to watch my kids, to do ANYTHING for us...so much love...
I feel like our hard days are yet ahead of us....but with so many friends and family offering so much love and support...I know we will get through.
I count the blessings of the 20 weeks and 3 beautiful days that I had as Laban Joel's mother...each little kick and roll and will be forever treasured.
Pastor David shared Psalm 30 with us...and the verses that he also mentioned Ps. 34:18 - the Lord is near the brokenhearted...in Job, he says "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Thank you, everyone. Laban Joel is loved, we love you all and thank you all for the overwhelming love...how blessed are we to have two amazing, beautiful, incredibly healthy, gifted, wonderful children here with us, an awesome "family" of support and love...a fantastic church...wonderful family...understanding bosses...we have been given grace upon grace, incredible mercies...
So much to be thankful for...
we love you, so so much, Laban Joel...
Always your mama,
Becca
