Today has just been a long day...I am taking a sabbatical from Facebook at the moment, and I usually share my joys and hardships there, but today I will share them here....
My wonderful sister is coming to town soon, and I wanted to deep clean the house anyways...so I have been cleaning and organizing a lot, both Friday and today....Saturday and Sunday I fed 500+ people chili and cookies, with my job, and left the cleaning for easier days :). I finally used all the empty diaper boxes and packed away my son's baby clothes(12mo to 2T - he got big fast but used those clothes for a long time...)...I'm still weepy about this...so many precious memories...I had so wanted to really never "pack away" these things...because, I had hoped a new baby would be needing them soon...which is not happening.
In all my cleaning, I still did not find a few things I was looking for pretty desperately...(my son has some colored, wooden balls, for one of his favorite toys, and between our many guests, kittens, and toddler, 3 of the 4 are completely gone...)
I found my son's old cradle sheet...which brought on its own tears...I remember my mom bringing it by when my son was only a few weeks old, and she was so happy, because it was an organic sheet and it is so soft....
I cleaned out my son's old cradle, that had clean laundry forever filling it, for a friend's baby to use when she comes over to visit....it just breaks my heart how empty it looks...
Many of my friends are pregnant...or just had babies...and I feel like I am in "time out"...like God has me in the palm of His hand, but He has me in time out for disobeying in some way, that I am not aware of...and I see Him pass out babies to all the other girls...but I'm left behind...I think back to my days working in the court system, and some women can't seem to be NOT pregnant...they have 10, 15+ kids and can't take care of or raise them properly, and here I am desperate for a baby, and my body WILL NOT ACCEPT one. I just don't understand, and I am so so frustrated. Really and truly, frustrated beyond words. (and please don't tell me to foster or adopt, it is something my husband and I have looked into and don't think it is right for us right now - we do support this with our limited financial means and really admire foster/adoptive parents)...
My husband and I fought over stupid stuff....I'm just so worn out and a hormonal mess since my miscarriage in October, and this added tension to our souls tonight....I am basically "stuck" in PMS right now, and these past few months have been really rough, plus I am struggling with postpartum depression and unexplained weight gain...
I pulled my knee running 10 days ago and it is still quite painful every.time.I.walk. (probably strained my MCL or something :( ) This is frustrating as I spend 10 hours on my feet in a tile-floor kitchen on a REGULAR basis...
I looked up health insurance and it is so so expensive...My husband's job as a contractor has no benefits and I only work part time, so neither of us have insurance. Daniel fears that I'll get pregnant and have complications and need to go to the hospital and we'll be slammed with a huge bill....I just fear I'll never be pregnant again...plus, the only plans we could even remotely afford, have 10k deductibles, still a huge bill to swallow...
But in all of this, I am reminded how much I love my son...how I have a great husband and a good house....I love my job and we have an awesome bunch of friends...and wonderful extended families...
But I just want to weep...and just never come out of my room...I'm just very over smiling and being happy...cause I am not...when people ask me how I am, I smile and say "okay"...but even that is really a stretch..."not great, but alive" is a better answer...
I have such a great idea of what life should be...and how I should be...and how I want to be, and I am such a poor example of the image in my head....and I have no idea where to even begin to repair myself...I see these huge flaws and problems...and a few areas with improvement and ways to improve this or that...but the picture is still missing other children...and I don't know how to ever fix that...I have basically done everything humanly and spiritually possible and we are at the financial limit of doing anything major, like surgery and fertility clinics...
A long and tear filled day comes to an end...
Becca H.
My heart goes out to you. I don't pretend to understand what it's like to be in your situation, but I do know what it's like to feel pain, be it emotional, spiritual, physical, etc. I have often experienced that desire to curl up and cry, and it's a rough place to be in. I can't offer advice, but I can offer a listening ear if you need one. And a virtual hug across the miles.
ReplyDeleteReading this brought tears to my eyes and although I do not know you that well at all really ..from what I did know I always thought you were really awesome, a mom, working going to church lol I look up to that . admired you :-).. I can relate to some stuff you said and some stuff I can't. I've been very emotional too these last few months and going through my own trials. You are not alone. And God isn't punishing you, but he does have a plan for you..hang in there
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're hurting. I'll be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who is facing recurrent pregnancy loss, and she has a lot of resources on her blog (https://simplyjessileeblog.wordpress.com/resources/). I don't know if any of those would be helpful, but hopefully they can provide at least a bit of solace.