A bleak January...

January has been full of ups and downs for us this year...the weather here was a mix of blazing hot and very "Florida" cold.  Intertwined in that, was a lot of rain and clouds!  I fed over 500 people homemade chili at work...My sister came for a visit and announced a much prayed for, and awaited, pregnancy!  Woohoo!  Wehrle baby on the way!!!  I have not been able to establish any kind of workout routine, no matter how much I put my mind to it...I had injured my knee in December, and been extremely busy, so sleep and pain won the war.  (my knee is much better, but now I am terrified to run)  I DID just get a 36 day supply of a new high protein powder that I am eager to try.  It is pretty expensive, so I can only justify using it after lifting, so I'm cleaning off the weights today!  :)  Yes, a protein powder has motivated me to lift....exercise to eat, I guess :)  My grandmother is having some leg problems and I've been massaging it a couple of times a week, so my few free evenings a week are even less so right now.  Daniel and I had a great date night last week, and I've made some really delicious meals at work lately - parmesan crusted cod, beef stroganoff, and pork chops...and next week is chicken alfredo! 

 But in the midst of all of this, I have been doing a lot of soul searching and feeling like there was unaddressed sin in my life.  Annnnd I found it...while reading the Ten Comandments that we studied in Sunday School last week:

1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2. You shall not make idols.
3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor your father and your mother.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet.

Don't worry, I haven't killed anyone.  I haven't made any idols...haven't stolen...or lied...

I have been coveting.  The least discussed of all, in my opinion, is coveting.  And, very few of the discussions actually talk about what it MEANS.  Dictionary.com describes covet: to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others.  Because I'm not just desiring another baby...I get mad when I see pregnant people who have children Samuel's age and younger.  I CRINGE when I see younger women with a whole brood of children...I am jealous at the playground, when I see an impoverished family, with children who have rotting teeth, while the father verbally abuses his daughter to the point of hysterics.....I am angry God keeps giving them more children, leaving me barren...

Coveting is often glorified by American culture as a right to be upset at your misfortune and upset at everyone else's success...because "I deserve better", or some such nonsense like that...but in reality, every "good and perfect gift is from above"(James 1:17)....not of my own doing...and I really deserve death(Romans 6:23)...not the over abundance of blessing, like a spoiled child who gets everything she asks for WHEN she asks for it...

Because, my desire for more children, isn't "wrong" persay...but it IS wrong of me to be mad about others having children..."without due regard for the rights of others"...
It is a pain and a thorn, that I am currently trying to pray about..struggle with...ponder on....To stop being mad that other people have functioning reproductive systems...because neither they, nor I, need or deserve the stress of that...

And it is a daily struggle for me...even moment by moment...because it hits me as I walk through the Target isles....or drive around town and see a family taking a walk....or another friend announces yet again, a pregnancy...and I need to stop.  These people I come across should not be subject to my disdain, nor should I be getting THIS upset over a bad uterus.  I ALWAYS called Samuel my miracle baby...then I got greedy and expected multiple miracle babies.  Then I got mad at others who kept having the children I, wrongly, feel I deserve more than they. I need to really hear my own words...Samuel is a miracle, and he is my one and only miracle...and may always be my one and only....and it is by God's grace alone that I have him now...And I need to be content in that...(Phil. 4)

So for this February, I am learning to stop...I need to get over my faulty body.  I am turning 30 in a week, and the fertility slope gets ever steeper from this point on...I need to stop expecting pregnancy.  I am going to stop taking all the fertility herbs once I run out.  I am also going to stop tracking...it does me no good.  We've been "trying" for so long, that I am emotionally exhausted...my soul is tired.  So I am ardently trying to get back into old hobbies and routines. I'm also going to continue to limit my time on facebook...I dislike not having it at all, as I have been in January, but I probably won't be on to the extent I was....it brings a small amount of joy for a huge dose of heartache and bitterness.  It isn't facebook, it is me...

How can I be so covetous and depressed when I have this every day?! 

In love and peace,
Becca H.