As October came to a close, I remembered so many of my friends who had suffered miscarriages and still borns...pain I hoped never to bear. I prayed for those women....my sister especially... Pregnancy and birth announcements, rom some of those same friends, filled my Facebook newsfeed....I was actually kind of excited...I was hoping to announce my own new pregnancy this Christmas. Still in the very, VERY, early weeks...like one or two weeks, I knew I was pregnant. I.just.knew. I knew with my 2 year old, within a day or two of conception...I knew. It took a test nearly four weeks to catch on, but I was certainly pregnant. This time around, I knew, but there was no time for a test to catch up. Unfortunately, my little life only blessed me for a short time. I woke up one morning knowing I was pregnant, and about a week later, knowing I had lost the baby. A few days after that, I started the miscarriage process. It wasn't that rough, as I was so early, and I was mainly confused...perhaps I wasn't truly pregnant? Maybe I just psyched myself out? Perhaps it was just a chemical pregnancy? (That is still a possibility)...
But I know what I felt...I felt pregnant...I had this immense joy overflowing in me...my breasts started aching with the awakening of glands...I started sleeping oddly and needing my naps...I would cry over silly little things, which is NOT typical of me at all! And then I woke up that morning, and it was just...gone. Just a few days later, I started with a strange spotting and clotting...and it didn't progress into a full "period"...for 8 days this went on...then BOOM...a heavy, bright red, weird cramping, period just came over me...oh little Life...you were so wanted...
I am still not sure how to cope with this loss...a life no one, but myself, can confirm existed. Daniel was even convinced, as he remembered these same symptoms almost three years ago. But with some research and my over-awareness of my body, I am sure this is what happened.
If you are the praying sort, please pray for me...please pray that I start coping with this, and that my rainbow baby is in my near future...I'm kind of in shock. We have been "trying" for over a year and a half...and I weaned my son 6 months ago, with hopes of pregnancy...and this miscarriage has given me hope my body is at least changing...,but it is also scary thinking that this happened also...will it happen again? Will it be worse next time? Will I ever have another healthy pregnnacy? I so desperately want more children and for my son to have siblings - plural...as in, at least two more babies...and it breaks my heart I already have one in heaven waiting for me...
I am exhausted, as I lie here remembering Oct 30...the day it was confirmed Baby was no more...the ache of joining that "one in four" club, at the end of the month devoted to remembering those lost little ones...a life only I knew.
I draw upon the Word in this time...Psalm 20:4 "May He grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans!" vs 9b "May He answer us when we call."
With sadness and exhaustion,
Becca H.
Praying. I've had 2 miscarriages, and it is an ache like no other.
ReplyDeleteEvery life matters, no matter how long or short you knew about them or how long they lived.
May God bring you comfort throughout this time of grieving.
Oh sweet sister, I know the loss all too well. I too hoped to have my first two babies around 2 years apart. I experienced my first and hardest loss while my husband was away at boot camp. Nothing prepares you for the emptiness, but God is prepared to hold you in His arms. I too had a miscarriage somewhat later that was never officially
ReplyDeleteconfirmed, but one I just knew in my mother's heart. After a third loss within one year I seriously considered adoption might be in our future. I really had to bring myself to the realization that I may never have another of my own again. But time and prayer have a way of working these things out. After finally being blessed with my second baby, my hope was restored. No matter Gods plan for you or His timing, just remember that He is GOOD ALL the time. Not just when life is easy. He is Good through all our heartache. He wants good for you not bad. Hold onto that promise and do what is so hard for us mommas- wait on the Lord. There is joy at the end of our sorrow.
Sweet friend Becca that I have never met in real life but shared kindred spirits online, I have empathy and prayers for you. I will be keeping this short and sweet and chat when you are ready to chat. I do know that you need the love and support, and that is what keeps you going each day. I hope that God gives you the peace right now. Hugs and love.😢🙅💗
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