A bleak January...

January has been full of ups and downs for us this year...the weather here was a mix of blazing hot and very "Florida" cold.  Intertwined in that, was a lot of rain and clouds!  I fed over 500 people homemade chili at work...My sister came for a visit and announced a much prayed for, and awaited, pregnancy!  Woohoo!  Wehrle baby on the way!!!  I have not been able to establish any kind of workout routine, no matter how much I put my mind to it...I had injured my knee in December, and been extremely busy, so sleep and pain won the war.  (my knee is much better, but now I am terrified to run)  I DID just get a 36 day supply of a new high protein powder that I am eager to try.  It is pretty expensive, so I can only justify using it after lifting, so I'm cleaning off the weights today!  :)  Yes, a protein powder has motivated me to lift....exercise to eat, I guess :)  My grandmother is having some leg problems and I've been massaging it a couple of times a week, so my few free evenings a week are even less so right now.  Daniel and I had a great date night last week, and I've made some really delicious meals at work lately - parmesan crusted cod, beef stroganoff, and pork chops...and next week is chicken alfredo! 

 But in the midst of all of this, I have been doing a lot of soul searching and feeling like there was unaddressed sin in my life.  Annnnd I found it...while reading the Ten Comandments that we studied in Sunday School last week:

1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2. You shall not make idols.
3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor your father and your mother.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet.

Don't worry, I haven't killed anyone.  I haven't made any idols...haven't stolen...or lied...

I have been coveting.  The least discussed of all, in my opinion, is coveting.  And, very few of the discussions actually talk about what it MEANS.  Dictionary.com describes covet: to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others.  Because I'm not just desiring another baby...I get mad when I see pregnant people who have children Samuel's age and younger.  I CRINGE when I see younger women with a whole brood of children...I am jealous at the playground, when I see an impoverished family, with children who have rotting teeth, while the father verbally abuses his daughter to the point of hysterics.....I am angry God keeps giving them more children, leaving me barren...

Coveting is often glorified by American culture as a right to be upset at your misfortune and upset at everyone else's success...because "I deserve better", or some such nonsense like that...but in reality, every "good and perfect gift is from above"(James 1:17)....not of my own doing...and I really deserve death(Romans 6:23)...not the over abundance of blessing, like a spoiled child who gets everything she asks for WHEN she asks for it...

Because, my desire for more children, isn't "wrong" persay...but it IS wrong of me to be mad about others having children..."without due regard for the rights of others"...
It is a pain and a thorn, that I am currently trying to pray about..struggle with...ponder on....To stop being mad that other people have functioning reproductive systems...because neither they, nor I, need or deserve the stress of that...

And it is a daily struggle for me...even moment by moment...because it hits me as I walk through the Target isles....or drive around town and see a family taking a walk....or another friend announces yet again, a pregnancy...and I need to stop.  These people I come across should not be subject to my disdain, nor should I be getting THIS upset over a bad uterus.  I ALWAYS called Samuel my miracle baby...then I got greedy and expected multiple miracle babies.  Then I got mad at others who kept having the children I, wrongly, feel I deserve more than they. I need to really hear my own words...Samuel is a miracle, and he is my one and only miracle...and may always be my one and only....and it is by God's grace alone that I have him now...And I need to be content in that...(Phil. 4)

So for this February, I am learning to stop...I need to get over my faulty body.  I am turning 30 in a week, and the fertility slope gets ever steeper from this point on...I need to stop expecting pregnancy.  I am going to stop taking all the fertility herbs once I run out.  I am also going to stop tracking...it does me no good.  We've been "trying" for so long, that I am emotionally exhausted...my soul is tired.  So I am ardently trying to get back into old hobbies and routines. I'm also going to continue to limit my time on facebook...I dislike not having it at all, as I have been in January, but I probably won't be on to the extent I was....it brings a small amount of joy for a huge dose of heartache and bitterness.  It isn't facebook, it is me...

How can I be so covetous and depressed when I have this every day?! 

In love and peace,
Becca H.

Not great, but alive...

Today has just been a long day...I am taking a sabbatical from Facebook at the moment, and I usually share my joys and hardships there, but today I will share them here....

My wonderful sister is coming to town soon, and I wanted to deep clean the house anyways...so I have been cleaning and organizing a lot, both Friday and today....Saturday and Sunday I fed 500+ people chili and cookies, with my job, and left the cleaning for easier days :).  I finally used all the empty diaper boxes and packed away my son's baby clothes(12mo to 2T - he got big fast but used those clothes for a long time...)...I'm still weepy about this...so many precious memories...I had so wanted to really never "pack away" these things...because, I had hoped a new baby would be needing them soon...which is not happening.

In all my cleaning, I still did not find a few things I was looking for pretty desperately...(my son has some colored, wooden balls, for one of his favorite toys, and between our many guests, kittens, and toddler, 3 of the 4 are completely gone...)

I found my son's old cradle sheet...which brought on its own tears...I remember my mom bringing it by when my son was only a few weeks old, and she was so happy, because it was an organic sheet and it is so soft....
I cleaned out my son's old cradle, that had clean laundry forever filling it, for a friend's baby to use when she comes over to visit....it just breaks my heart how empty it looks...

Many of my friends are pregnant...or just had babies...and I feel like I am in "time out"...like God has me in the palm of His hand, but He has me in time out for disobeying in some way, that I am not aware of...and I see Him pass out babies to all the other girls...but I'm left behind...I think back to my days working in the court system, and some women can't seem to be NOT pregnant...they have 10, 15+ kids and can't take care of or raise them properly, and here I am desperate for a baby, and my body WILL NOT ACCEPT one.  I just don't understand, and I am so so frustrated.  Really and truly, frustrated beyond words.  (and please don't tell me to foster or adopt, it is something my husband and I have looked into and don't think it is right for us right now - we do support this with our limited financial means and really admire foster/adoptive parents)...

My husband and I fought over stupid stuff....I'm just so worn out and a hormonal mess since my miscarriage in October, and this added tension to our souls tonight....I am basically "stuck" in PMS right now, and these past few months have been really rough, plus I am struggling with postpartum depression and unexplained weight gain...

I pulled my knee running 10 days ago and it is still quite painful every.time.I.walk. (probably strained my MCL or something :( )  This is frustrating as I spend 10 hours on my feet in a tile-floor kitchen on a REGULAR basis...

I looked up health insurance and it is so so expensive...My husband's job as a contractor has no benefits and I only work part time, so neither of us have insurance.  Daniel fears that I'll get pregnant and have complications and need to go to the hospital and we'll be slammed with a huge bill....I just fear I'll never be pregnant again...plus, the only plans we could even remotely afford, have 10k deductibles, still a huge bill to swallow...

But in all of this, I am reminded how much I love my son...how I have a great husband and a good house....I love my job and we have an awesome bunch of friends...and wonderful extended families...

But I just want to weep...and just never come out of my room...I'm just very over smiling and being happy...cause I am not...when people ask me how I am, I smile and say "okay"...but even that is really a stretch..."not great, but alive" is a better answer...

I have such a great idea of what life should be...and how I should be...and how I want to be, and I am such a poor example of the image in my head....and I have no idea where to even begin to repair myself...I see these huge flaws and problems...and a few areas with improvement and ways to improve this or that...but the picture is still missing other children...and I don't know how to ever fix that...I have basically done everything humanly and spiritually possible and we are at the financial limit of doing anything major, like surgery and fertility clinics...

A long and tear filled day comes to an end...
Becca H.