One year later…
this is a very honest and "real" post...if you are uncomfortable with postpartum bodies or the word "vagina", stop reading now...
So my dear son is no longer a “baby”, but a “toddler” now…he
just turned one yesterday…so I thought I would share with you some reflections
from this last year as a new mom, that are relevant for me, and hopefully
encourage you….or relate to you in some way…
A year ago, I sat on a hospital bed…staring at my precious
boy…I couldn't believe he was finally out!
I delivered him 8 days after my due date, and after 37 hours of labor…
But I was also super disappointed. I had planned a home-birth, and with such a
long labor, and my waters breaking early on, I ended up transferred to the
hospital, hooked up to Pitocin, epidural (for rest, the pain was manageable)
and IV fluids…here’s a link to my birth story if you are curious…
So with my joy, came a huge mix of emotions….sorry if my
thoughts are scattered…
~I am a failure…I wanted an un-medicated home-birth…that didn't
happen…
~Could I have been more fit?
Maybe not gained as much weight?
I should have done more squats…
~Why wasn't I stronger!?
~My vagina aches…I must have torn badly…did I push too
hard? Did I not stretch enough? What did I do wrong?!
~I shouldn't have taken that castor oil….why didn't I just
risk several more sleepless nights, sweaty bellies, and precious kicks…
~He is such a beautiful baby…can’t believe he is our baby…we
are so blessed!
~Daniel is never going to want to have sex with me again…my
belly looks awful…
^these are SERIOUSLY some of the thoughts going through my
sleep deprived head at the time…many people heard these thoughts out loud…they
can verify if you truly don’t believe me.
I had AWFUL stretch marks…I made it to 25 weeks-ZERO stretch
marks…then there were three little ones, right above my right hip, towards my
belly button…they popped up…then the left side got the same ones a few days later…and by 41
weeks, the stretch marks had spread over the entirety of my belly, well above
my belly button, and all the way down to my upper thighs…I used creams and oils…my
mother and my sister had minimal stretch marks (both of them have longer torsos
though…)…I thought I was going to be fine…I wasn't…I never thought that having
a baby would have so drastically changed my body…and that I would have such a
difficult time coping with that change…
NO ONE told me how awful postpartum body image can be…at
least, not the nitty gritty awful parts…maybe I am alone in how I felt…Maybe
you are feeling that way now.
I STILL do not think my body is beautiful. I don’t think I ever will again(I didn't have great body image to start with BEFORE the baby..). I am glad my body harbored a baby for so
long, and did so well at it…and he is so perfect and such a strong baby…but did
it have to make me NEVER want to see myself naked? Or spend months fearing my husband would see
me coming out of the shower? I wore a
belly support band when out in public, until that was too warm and actually
made me look BIGGER…I didn't want to be seen in public without wearing the baby
in front of me…fearing someone would make some remark about my size….
During my pregnancy…I had virtually EVERY woman(or at least,
it felt like it…there were a few bright moments of wonderful women telling me
nice things…) over the age of 35 telling me I was huge, enormous, needed to cut
back my food intake, that I needed to get checked because I was too big, that I
was definitely having twins, and that something, clearly, was
WRONG with my pregnancy, and on and on they would go…….and these awful and
hurtful comments started to roll in around 13 weeks into my pregnancy…only got
worse the longer I went grocery shopping and the more often I went to
church. Yes, some of the worst comments
were from friends at church. Old ladies
would stare at me going through the produce section…and those comments ricocheted
around in my head those months after delivery….still do a little, as my jeans still don't fit quite the same way...
And I WAS BIG…I was at my heaviest weight at 147 before I got pregnant. I am nearly 5’7”, so 147 is pretty large…I had a lot of muscle though, and was really healthy. My last weigh in, I was 189! 42 pound increase! I had pubic symphysis while pregnant, and it felt like my pelvis was “loose”…I couldn't run anymore (after 16 weeks), I couldn't even walk for long distances, sit on anything too firm, etc. without feeling like my pelvis was going to split in half and the child just flop out of me….and it was painful…like REALLY painful…so needless to say, exercise was out of the question…and chocolate ice cream was delicious! By the end, I looked like I had the blue ribbon state fair watermelon shoved up my shirt….torpedo belly…pic of me a MONTH before I went into labor....I got bigger too:
Thankfully, Samuel was/is a great nurser! We have been nursing wonderfully since day
one…there was a tad of a scare around day 4 and 5 of his life…my milk still
hadn't come in, and he was super gassy due to my over consumption of sauerkraut….long
story short, I took my placenta capsules and my milk came in, and all was well
by a week into nursing…I highly recommend nursing, not just because of weight
loss, but bonding, health for the baby, etc.
I have not yet regretted exclusively breastfeeding this long! I have had a few clogged ducts, sore nipples from time to time (teething, biting, and the usual soreness in the beginning!)...but overall, wonderful!!!
I lost the weight relatively quickly…by 4 months PP, I think
I have 5 leftover pounds to lose…by 9 months PP, I had lost all of it, plus a
couple of pounds I think…now, 1 year afterwards, I have lost all 42 pounds,
plus another 11 or 12…depending on the day…54ish pounds in total…and overall I
eat whatever I want…I just make sure to get enough protein and water in to my
day…and try to get enough fats…I don’t really limit carbs, but try to be aware,
maybe not eat 10 servings of chocolate……whoops…dropped that ball a time or 12…and
I only had one short spurt of exercising…which is a long story why I stopped…
But I STILL think I look awful…yes, AWFUL…I want to wear
aprons, burqas, wraps, baggy clothes, etc.
A dear friend told me yesterday that I was looking “slim” and she patted
my mom belly…while I took it as a high compliment, all I could think of was “how
awful did I look last week? Or a few
months ago? Is it so obvious that I had
a child last year?!”
I wouldn't let Daniel see me naked for the longest time…I
would wear shape-wear as often as possible(It made me feel a lot better...I highly recommend! The one I linked to is nice because I could wear my nursing bras with it!).
While our sex life resumed, my body image did not…to this day, I am
still nervous and uncomfortable in front of him….he tells me I am beautiful, “it’s
just a few stretch marks! You look great!”
etc…but it doesn't matter…these feelings are mine alone…these photos are NOT me, but it
might as well be…these are very very similar to my belly(no tattoos though..)…thank you “4thtrimester bodies” and people like you…I have wept so many times viewing your
photos…it made me feel a bit more normal…
Samuel also hasn't slept through the night in a freakishly
long time. He had this great spurt where
10pm to 6am he would sleep…wake at 6 – nurse, and go back down for another hour
or two…it was blissful…6 weeks to about 3ish months…that was it…
There is an enormous body of conflicting evidence about
everything from breastfeeding to vaccines to sippy cups…I won’t go into it, but
everyone has an opinion (I have very strong ones about most of the "mommy war" topics) and there is a great need to
research virtually everything about babies…there is a lot of mumbo jumbo
accepted things that happen to babies with no science behind them…baby
carriers, baby cereal at 4 months or earlier for “sleep”, vit k shot, eye ointment, etc…So please do
enormous amounts of research if possible….and its your kid...make it possible...and for most things, after the first one, you've already done the research :) As always, feel free to message me or leave a comment if you have questions :) And yes, this is all part of being a new momma/pappa!
Now, our wonderful child goes to bed around 10 or 11 pm, and wakes up every 3
hours or less…emphasis on less…and wants to nurse MOST of those times…he also
doesn't like sleeping alone anymore (which we did from the beginning! He had a cradle next to my side of the bed
since birth!)…and we cram him into our double bed lately…and those of you who know my
husband, know he is a big guy…and those of you who know me, know I am a
notorious bed hog…Samuel is big like his daddy, and a bed hog like me…he
literally almost kicked me out of bed the other morning….this part of parenting
is awesome…<sarcasm….. Daniel and I have taken shifts trying to get him to
sleep….Daniel will stay up late with him, and I will wake up as needed….some
nights, we pray for daylight…it gets rough, ugly, and very very real…you single
parents out there, major respect to you…I don’t know how you are alive right
now…I am going to a sleep class hosted by a local mom and midwife…hoping to
glean some helpful information…some days I feel like death steam rolled me…we have "tried everything" from limiting naps, waking him up earlier, Daniel tending to him instead of me, etc. etc....notice all my dot dot dots? That's cause I'm sleep deprived, yet again... ...
Samuel hates his car seat…always has…still does…for probably
his first 2 months, he would scream every.single.time. we drove ANYWHERE. He has excellent motor skills and
coordination as well…even as a new born…and we would swoop in to put his
pacifier in, and he’d “paint the fence” – karate kid style (if you have not
seen the original karate kid, you MUST find a clip on you tube on this…this is
iconic 80’s history and important for all livelihood…) and knock the paci clear
across the car-room-cradle-crib-vessel of restraint…so traveling has been less
than fun a lot of the time. He is much
better now, but even last night…all the way home from church volleyball league,
he fussed to some extent…so there’s that…
But on the whole…he’s delightful…I am ridiculously blessed
with such a perfect and healthy baby…nearly 2 years ago, I wrote a very awfulpost about my discontentment with life, and how I would never be pregnant…nearly 3 weeks pregnant…just didn't know it yet…I thank Jesus for my son…and
Daniel and I love being parents 99% of the time. He’s a great child and God TRULY blessed
us.
Parenting is a lot of sleepless nights, mood swings, coffee
and attitude…fun, joy, love, and remembering that as a Child of God, He views
me the way I view my son…only like a thousand times more…and I appreciate His
love and patience with me, even more than I did before….
Momma out,
Becca H.
