This is not a pleasant post to read...it was written in a "diary" fashion...you were warned...
Oh my German-Scottish mother...she was always saying cute, annoying little colloquies..."don't get your hopes up", "don't put all your eggs in one basket", "don't tease your sister", "share your toys", "gargle this vinegar", "drink this willow bark extract"....you know, the usual...
Unfortunately, I would normally listen to the end statements, sometimes obey the middle ones...and rarely ever listen to the first ones...I can still hear my mom's tone of voice saying those words...but I still don't take them as seriously as I should...
Many of you know, Daniel and I put an offer on a house after being pre-qualified for a mortgage. The seller counter-offered, and we accepted! Oi! Did I get excited or WHAT?! This house is just what I've always wanted....down to weird details like a window in the master shower...a fire place....nice screened porch...plenty of room for chickens, game nights, kids, etc... I started contacting chicken coop makers, thinking about colors for the rooms, and how we would arrange our furniture...finally, we would be out of our super tiny, old, crappy apartment...
Well, I got my hopes up, put all my eggs in the basket, daydreamed much too much..... and when we contacted our lender, she asked about the W-2 for Daniel's courthouse job....well, he doesn't get a W-2...technically, he's a self employed contractor...and everything stopped....the lender apologized for not catching this sooner and that's the end...no more house, unless there's a different job...and certainly the house I fell in love with would definitely not be on the market if or when that "new job" day comes...we had to fight for it as it was...
My dad and many others said "well, God has a better house for you then...just be patient...God wants to give you the desires of your heart"...well, patience has never been my strongest virtue...God's plan isn't America's "ideal" for us....house, kids, car...but most of my friends have all those things, and we don't....well, we have a car that I am supremely thankful for! The desires of my heart may not be what God wants for me...I need to come to grips with that...and I'm not coping well with it. Most of the people who are trying to comfort me are sitting in their houses or holding their babies(or BOTH)....they don't understand the pain of not being able to have either the house or the baby and the end is NOT in sight...unless I see some seriously expensive doctors and Daniel gets a new job out of nowhere, we are stuck in this stage of life...wasting money on rent and crying everytime I see new ultrasounds of all my friends' babies.
Both house and kids really have been blacked out for us right now for unknown reasons...we thought us both having full time jobs, Daniel's good credit, the pre-qual, etc. the house could at least be part of our dream...but that's obviously not God's plan for our lives...People keep saying to "stay strong" "It'll happen, just need to wait..." But honestly, isn't that causing me to get my hopes up more and be more impatient?! Those "helpful" words are just putting useless thoughts in my head and stirring discontent in my heart even more!
So I immediately started looking up houses for rent...and found a ton of super expensive houses that we couldn't afford...and a bunch of super cheap ones in really bad neighborhoods...and a bunch of other ones that just aren't good options for us. Another dead end...MAYBE one will pop up soon, but not soon enough in my opinion...
So in the end...this is a letter for prayer...and comfort...having this big part of our dream as a couple ended for no obvious reason is so frustrating...when I found out that we would not get the house, I just wanted to weep...but I was in the lunch room in front of a bunch of clerks...and I have a long drive home...so tears will have to wait...today, was just more than I wanted to take...
"don't get your hopes up"....wish I listened better....
I think honestly we have more in common then possibly thought. Justin and I are in the same situation and although I only knew you because I was dating matt at the time, I do know your heart. I was ousted from the church family and still feel that most of them were only my friends due to who i was dating.. some people who are friends with him will not even say hello to me on facebook because of it. No i am not perfect but I AM FORGIVEN.. and jesus loves me and i went thru a terribly abusive relationship a few years later and thru all the mess Jesus delivered me out of my own personal lions den and thru all the tears the holy spirit COMFORTED me thru my trials.. I also read Psalm when i am going thru trials.. I watch as David is frustrated hiding in a cave when he outright YELLS at god..WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!?! but he humbles himself and once again after time god delivers him once again. This has been the story of my life.. we also do not have kids... but look at the people from 'our peer' group who have kids,, they have gone thru so much to get there... I myself have been living with justin out of wedlock and most of my family looks down on us for it and yet we know jesus is blessing us. God has a plan for us. Recently i told you about the houses we were looking at and the one i had my heart set on crashed and burned when we found out it was a house from a bad divorce..and they all but told us we couldn't even go inside to look at it ourselves... I have always been the odd one out.. the black sheep.. the girl who lives in the past.. but aside from everyone and everything god is blessing us. You have your husband. there are soo many out there who are STILL searching for their true love. I always say..I would be happy living in a paper box with justin and it is true.. yes we feel helpless and yes it is a struggle everyday being unemployed and knowing i have to borrow money.. but god will bless us and we have to keep believing in him.. because things ALWAYS Work out.. just not on our time. The people who look at others and want what they have are committing adultery in gods eyes.. Maybe he is teaching you to want what you have.. for that to be enough and for god to be enough..let gods portion be enough for you.. there is a baby out there for both of you..one who god wrote in grains of sand belonging to you.. but it is not yet your time. My sister and her husband have been married 7+ years and still are not able to have kids or have a home.. but they are running a church and looking to adopt a child who has no one.. Gods plan is for you.. you just have to learn patience and to be happy with the portion god has given you.. Every night pray and tell god THANKYOU for what you have given us.. thankyou for helping me find my SOUL MATE and thankyou for being my god and knowing me. I do this every night. and knwo that i am always here for you and your family. OK i think i wrote a book and i hope you read this and it helps settle your spirit.
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