One in four...

As October came to a close, I remembered so many of my friends who had suffered miscarriages and still borns...pain I hoped never to bear.  I prayed for those women....my sister especially...  Pregnancy and birth announcements, rom some of those same friends, filled my Facebook newsfeed....I was actually kind of excited...I was hoping to announce my own new pregnancy this Christmas.  Still in the very, VERY, early weeks...like one or two weeks, I knew I was pregnant.  I.just.knew.  I knew with my 2 year old, within a day or two of conception...I knew.  It took a test nearly four weeks to catch on, but I was certainly pregnant.  This time around, I knew, but there was no time for a test to catch up.  Unfortunately, my little life only blessed me for a short time.  I woke up one morning knowing I was pregnant, and about a week later, knowing I had lost the baby.  A few days after that, I started the miscarriage process. It wasn't that rough, as I was so early, and I was mainly confused...perhaps I wasn't truly pregnant?  Maybe I just psyched myself out?  Perhaps it was just a chemical pregnancy? (That is still a possibility)...

But I know what I felt...I felt pregnant...I had this immense joy overflowing in me...my breasts started aching with the awakening of glands...I started sleeping oddly and needing my naps...I would cry over silly little things, which is NOT typical of me at all!  And then I woke up that morning, and it was just...gone.  Just a few days later, I started with a strange spotting and clotting...and it didn't progress into a full "period"...for 8 days this went on...then BOOM...a heavy, bright red, weird cramping, period just came over me...oh little Life...you were so wanted...

I am still not sure how to cope with this loss...a life no one, but myself, can confirm existed.  Daniel was even convinced, as he remembered these same symptoms almost three years ago.  But with some research and my over-awareness of my body, I am sure this is what happened.

If you are the praying sort, please pray for me...please pray that I start coping with this, and that my rainbow baby is in my near future...I'm kind of in shock.  We have been "trying" for over a year and a half...and I weaned my son 6 months ago, with hopes of pregnancy...and this miscarriage has given me hope my body is at least changing...,but it is also scary thinking that this happened also...will it happen again?  Will it be worse next time?  Will I ever have another healthy pregnnacy?  I so desperately want more children and for my son to have siblings - plural...as in, at least two more babies...and it breaks my heart I already have one in heaven waiting for me...

I am exhausted, as I lie here remembering Oct 30...the day it was confirmed Baby was no more...the ache of joining that "one in four" club, at the end of the month devoted to remembering those lost little ones...a life only I knew.

I draw upon the Word in this time...Psalm 20:4 "May He grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans!" vs 9b "May He answer us when we call."

With sadness and exhaustion,
Becca H.

10 things not to say to an un-pregnant momma...

What people need to STOP being experts on…

Someone else’s fertility.  I may have, at some point, offended a lot of people with some of these very statements, so in advance, I apologize.  

10 Things people need to stop saying to women who are not pregnant:

1. “Don’t you want another baby?”  -  why yes, yes I do.  Can you get one for me?  Care to squeeze an ovary? Got a magic potion to transform non-pregnant women into pregnant ones!? There may be a plethora of reasons why I am not currently pregnant or adopting a baby…most/all of those reasons are not your business.
2. “Totally time for another baby!!”  - so glad you think so.  My family may not be having another baby, or may not be announcing a pregnancy just yet…but glad your brief observation of my family warrants your opinion on a life changing event…
3. “You’re STILL nursing?!”  - yes, I am.  I was pregnant for 41 weeks and 1 day, nursing a total of 16 months, and still going.  I realize I am not the norm in America, because I have far surpassed “normal” nursing amounts (only 27% of infants in America even nurse to 12 months), but don’t make me feel like a freak for doing so.  The American average age to stop nursing is 3 months.  The worldwide average is 4 years.  Yeah, pretty sure the average American is the freak, not me. I have LOVED nursing…we are trying to wean, but ONLY because of my fertility being stunted by the nursing.  We’re down to 2-3 feedings a day.  Progress ☺
4. “I know so-and-so got pregnant while nursing!”  - good for you.  I know her too.  She is 1 of 2% women who can get pregnant while nursing.  I am so happy that she has gotten exactly what she wants.  Do you know how that SOUNDS?!  It sounds like “hey, that girl we both know got your dream house, you can too!” and this is just not the case.  Fertility, especially while nursing, is super tricky.  Fertility is ALWAYS tricky.  You know I have a child already…I KNOW how to get pregnant.  Clearly, I am not at the moment.  Refer to #1, #2, and #3 above.
5. “Well, we’ve definitely prayed a lot about getting pregnant!”  - you think we haven’t?!  You think I don’t shed tears knowing my friends are getting pregnant when I want to be?  Or that they have children way younger than my son, and already have a very growing baby bump?  That they have been able to plan on their pregnancies, when Samuel was a complete shock and wanting him to be a big brother, very difficult?!
6. “Well, we feel led to have a large family.”  – good.  I do too.  I love love love being a momma.  I loved being pregnant(until that last week or two), didn’t mind my horrible 37 hour labor one bit.  I love the making of crazy kid snacks, the nursing, the cloth diapering, the baby wearing, the teaching to read and make animal noises, baby sign language…just love it all.  I’d love to have six or more children…(Daniel needs some convincing)… but at any rate, how do you know I DON’T feel led to having lots of children?  I have always pictured my family as having at least four kids…at LEAST…so I am glad that you are pregnant, but please don’t throw in the “God led us to this which is why we are pregnant, and I guess He didn’t to you, otherwise you’d be pregnant again!” card…that is how it sounds…
7. “All in God’s timing.”  – Yeah, I know that.  I have always struggled with patience and depending on God, instead of myself, but it isn’t comforting to know that God is NOT blessing our family with another child when it is desperately prayed for, thought of, etc.  It may be comforting in hindsight, but in the middle of the storm, knowing that the clear skies are far away and out of reach for unknown reasons, isn’t really comforting…
8. “You should just go to the doctor, they probably have something that can help you!”  - well, few things in that statement:  A. I don’t have insurance just “going to the doctor” needs to be a serious emergency to warrant the bill we’d rack up.  B.  I went to the doctor, a few months before I conceived Samuel, with fertility concerns.  I asked for progesterone to help, she said she could give me birth control(which originally caused ovulation problems for me years ago), and that was the end of that.  I looked up natural options for a healthy cycle, and was pregnant before I even got another period!  (please re-read that sentence)  Sorry, not going to go to a doctor that will waste months of time, putting me on birth control, only to take me off of it, to see if it will help with fertility, when I have a bad history of birth control making things a LOT worse for me.  This process could take months or years to go through and fix.  No thanks.  A fertility doctor will need me to go through all of that first, THEN see him after A YEAR of trying with no success.  So, the option is, after 2-3 years of problems, lots of money, etc. a medical doctor might be able to help.  No, thank you for the very obvious suggestion.
9. “Maybe you should just adopt.”  – while I love adoption, I think it is a great thing, etc. Neither Daniel nor I think that would be the best option for our family, for MANY reasons.  See #1.  If you are adopting, or have adopted, we have the utmost respect for you, and love/support what you are doing….
10. “It’ll work out for you, I’m sure you’ll be pregnant in no time!”  - while this is nice, and I am sure you are trying to be encouraging, this is probably not true…you don’t tell children they will probably get all A’s in school, and that super expensive toy they want for Christmas, when you have no idea what their parents’ financial situation is, or if they even get good grades.  While Daniel and I are healthy, see #4.

So please, when you want to say these things to a non-pregnant momma, please stop.  Just because she isn’t pregnant, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be, isn’t desperately trying, isn’t praying, or isn’t already at her wits end smiling and congratulating every pregnant woman(which seems to be every woman of childbearing age) she meets and sees on Facebook.  You don’t know the feelings behind the person…And yes, most women are “momma’s” whether or not they have physically birthed a child, because they know they love a child they have never even met…

P.S. these sayings have all been said to me in the last few months…I’m not making these up, or pulling them out of thin air.  I am also not trying to be passive aggressive and call people out on these sayings either.  The people who said them - I love dearly, and I understand they were not intending to hurt my feelings and have already been forgiven.

#thatisall

Becca H.

Health Rant #8 - Welcome to my pseudo-science...

Dear concerned pro-vax parent/scientist/doctor/citizen of planet earth,

This is a letter from me: the crazy, anti-vax, pseudoscience, conspiracy theorist, homeschooling, hippie mom, who clearly knows nothing…

Well, I hate to break this to you, I am not altogether unlike you…

1. I believe that humans are highly adaptable.
2. I believe that we are stronger together than we are apart.
3. I believe that God created us, but I also believe we have evolved through the millenia.
4. I believe in the scientific method - questioning, hypothesizing, extensive testing, theories, and onward...there truly is no end to it…
5. I believe that there is no “end all” person who knows more than someone else...everybody knows different things than someone else...if nothing else, about your life :)  No one knows what I have done or not done with myself, more than me.
6. A doctor/scientist may or may not have my best interest at heart...assuming they are only seeking good for my life, and are the only ones educated on how to achieve that good, is flawed…human nature and history simply shows quite the opposite!
7. Assuming that the human race has survived this long, because of modern vaccine schedules, from the last 50-ish years, is also flawed…
8. Whether you believe in the “origin science” of evolutionism or of creationism(both are beliefs that we pick and choose to believe…) - either we are highly evolved and shouldn’t need vaccines because we have thinned the herd and evolved a good immune system; or we are created in God’s image and were originally perfect, and therefore, have a good immune system, the way God intended….
9. If you believe a parent can and SHOULD choose how they would like to birth, raise, educate, treat, and RAISE a child-vaccinations and medications (chemo, antibiotics, Tylenol, etc.) should be no different...because, ultimately, we parents are the ones that have to live with whatever consequences…

Now, before you get your undies in a bundle, and talk about herd immunity and how my unvaxed child will get your vaccinated child sick...here’s some FACTS about the “herd” which may be alarming to most myth believers -

1. The elderly, middle aged, and 70’s and 80’s babies, small infants(under the age of 6 months, because they aren’t done any scheduled vaccine series at all, until that point) are all completely unvaccinated, save those who work in health care and are “up to date” on boosters(which is proabably VERY few of that population)...virtually everyone I know doesn’t get ANY shots and hasn’t had any since BEFORE college(I started college in 04 to give you some perspective…)…..  Vaccines wear off, we know this...so unless you’ve had your HiB booster, Hep A, hep B, Pneumoccoal, meningococcal, flu shot (yearly), IPV, TDaP, MMR, varicella, AND get your titers checked to “prove immunity”...you, pro-vax citizen, are probably no more “immunized” than the infant exiting its mother right now…Please read this by Dr. Blaylock. (actually, the infant has its mother’s immunity :D)
2. The vaccine schedule has changed...dramatically.  My brother, born in the 70’s would have had maybe 2 or 3 vaccines before college, I was born in the 80’s, and probably had around 10...children now get 49 doses of 14 vaccines before they are six years old.  
3. Unhealthy people will get sick, no matter how vaccinated or unvaccinated those around them are.  Even Pasteur said - “the germ is nothing”...All of us encounter germs DAILY...most of us do not become sick just because we encountered a new germ.  Personally, I don’t even use hand sanitizer...I don’t use antibacterial soaps in my home...I wash my hands after the bathroom, shower daily (more like 5 times a week-ish), and brush my teeth twice daily with my homemade toothpaste…all this to say, I am RARELY sick...my husband is a bit more often sick, but it is still SUPER rare, and our 15 month old son, has yet to have a sick visit, antibiotics of any kind, and a fever longer than 24 hours….Are we miraculously blessed with ridiculously impervious immune systems?  Doubtful...we eat pretty healthy, take our vitamins, and don’t over sanitize our lives...keeping it pretty simple around here...all this to say, you won’t be sick, unless your body is allowing the “germ” to grow….if your body is properly nourished and balanced (homeostatic), it is unlikely you’ll be sick very often, if ever. :)
4. Herd immunity was a theory based on an actual herd of cows, that had naturally acquired immunity, and had 100% “breastfed” calves.  The researcher applied that theory to a study on measles in human patients, long before the vaccine, and noted that 68% natural immunity was required to prevent massive epidemics...which totally makes sense, seeing that 32% would have had no immunity, and that is less than ⅓ of the population, so even if ALL of them got sick at the same time, it would have been children, and adults would have been fine, and so 1 of your 3 kids would have been sick in a household, and no crazy raging fear of death and the like….honestly, we are due for a few outbreaks...women for over 1 or 2 generations haven’t been breastfeeding, generational immunity is waning, our diets have gotten a lot worse...I think hygiene is the only thing keeping a lot of these diseases at bay!  We aren’t eating food or drinking water that has been contaminated with feces...we are washing our hands before meals and after bathroom time, and we don’t have fleas coming off of disease ridden rats biting us, biting them, rats sharing our food, etc.  Even in the dark ages, the incidence of disease was ALWAYS worse in crowded areas, of high population, and poor sanitation….I believe I have beaten this dead horse long enough...

Now that that myth is out of the way!

The “pseudo science” that I have succumb to!  Apparently, me not following mainstream advice about vaccination is me just being foolish, ill educated, and a sheep following pseudoscientists!

Well, here is a thought to ponder, read the ingredients of vaccines, and then explain to me why it is beneficial to inject those things into your child?  I’ll wait.  Form your argument, be clear and reasonable...but do not say, “because my doctor said it is safe”...because that alone, is not reason enough for me.  Do not say “because those ingredients are so small”...because we don’t have a “recipe” of how much of what was put in, YOU don’t know how small...and I can think of A LOT of things that are small, that have deadly consequences - mosquito bites, bee stings, narcotics, one antibiotic pill that someone can be allergic to, tranquilizers, and I could go on...small things, can still have HUGE consequences…  Do not say “the CDC and all the doctors cannot be promoting something that is unhealthy” - this is also a huge falsehood.  The CDC and doctors used to say that smoking didn’t cause lung cancer.  We know this to be false now.  The CDC and doctors used to, and some still say, that antibiotics are completely safe...we know this to be false now.   Modern medicine isn’t perfect.  Simply trusting your doctor, who may have barely graduated from a med school...who may have forgotten a lot of past knowledge...who may not have acquainted himself with your family history...who was educated by the pharmaceutical companies that make vaccines and medications and will clearly promote their products...there is a LOT of room for error.  From a biased education, to human error, your doctor does not know everything, and this situation can get much worse, especially for vaccines…

And try THIS on for size...a baby is only born with whatever antibodies crossed the placenta...which, is fortified by momma breastfeeding...and that helps stimulate the gut, where 70% of the immune system lies...this all takes time to grow all this maturation of the immune system...some sources say as long as 2 to 3 years, if not into the pre-teen years! It is entirely new in the science world to really emphasize our gut flora and fauna as key to human life! By repeatedly injecting vaccines, to cause the infants developing immune system to respond, we could very likely be causing the epidemic of autoimmune disorders we are seeing in the developed (and vaccinated) world! And not only are their immune systems still developing, but so are their brains...aluminum, ammonia, and a variety of other toxic chemicals are in vaccines, and go straight to the brain, since they are injected and bypass the filters in place, by the digestive system. It is all quite fascinating, and a bit disturbing...I highly recommend you look into it all further! (Please don't mention foods - like apples with formaldehyde, mercury in tuna, etc...it's not the same thing...food synergy ingested is different than isolates injected)

They are not tested against placebos.  Firstly, what is a placebo? It is a known, a given, a standard, a benchmark...a starting point...how would you know that your child has a fever, if you don’t know what normal temperature is?  Same way with vaccines, how can you know what a vaccine reaction is, if you give all children the same, or similar vaccines, and all the results are about the same?  “ On the one hand, researchers may avoid conducting placebo-controlled trials if an efficacious vaccine exists – even when such a design is necessary to answer the study question”  “A true placebo is an inert substance, but in the context of vaccine research, the term placebo is also applied to other types of comparators that are not inert, but are not expected to protect against the disease of interest in a vaccine trial “ (source page 10, 14)

Often, because they aren’t tested against true placebos, they will even test the new vaccine, against a worse, or more dangerous vaccine, just to make the new one look “safe”...this is how they adjust the information, to get their product on the market.  People, companies, scientists, and doctors, are all sheisty from time to time...evil isn’t new in this world…

No vaccine is tested for carcinogenic(cancer), mutagenic (mutations - could be anything from cancer, tumors, brain damage, autoimmune disease, etc.), or impairment of fertility (not being able to have children) potential...lots of parenthesis...but the point is, they haven’t tested the vaccines to see if they cause cancer, mutations, or prevent the ability to have children - kinda important things to test for, if you ask me!  Here is an example from the IPOL (American polio vaccine):
16 CARCINOGENESIS, MUTAGENESIS, IMPAIRMENT OF FERTILITY
17 Long-term studies in animals to evaluate carcinogenic potential or impairment of fertility have      not
18 been conducted.
^pg 13.  

So to summarize, doctors don’t know everything about everything medical, and vaccines haven’t been proven safe, via testing, as no proper testing has been conducted. They have also never tested this current schedule of 49 doses before age 6, ever...like, ever. They just keep adding vaccines, and we, the American children, are the test group.

So, dear pro-vax pro-science citizen, is it unreasonable for me to question vaccines safety?  I think I have clearly proven my point!  Now, is it unreasonable for me to question their efficacy, when clearly they haven't been tested to the highest standard? Here's a brief overview of some of the childhood vaccine failures listed below...read them if you are curious...I also have a blog post here, that describes them in detail, and in order of the childhood schedule(towards the middle/end of the post). I beg of you, please contact me if you have any questions!

Last year - flu shot - 99% of the infected were vaccinated, they were on ship, not exposed to the unvaccinated, and the strain MATCHED the one they were vaccinated for.

Whooping cough - just read this one…

100% vaccinated -

Girls at camp, all vaccinated, all get whooping cough...

Outbreak in Mongomery...that's right...allll vaccinated...

These vaccinated nurses spread whooping cough to neonates...

I could go on, but I’ll spare you on that one!

Polio vaccine used in other countries is causing polio, and the one here(IPOL) isn’t actually preventing anything, as 95+% of cases are asymptomatic anyways...so there is no saying whether the vaccine is preventing polio, or people just aren’t showing symptoms. Polio WAS also classified as just about anything with limpness, meningitis symptoms, etc. pre-vaccine era...then, after the vaccine, a BUNCH of new terms came out - aseptic meningitis (relatively common, basically a harsh flu with spinal/neck pain), Guillian-Barre syndrome, Entero-virus 68, etc.  Since we have great labs NOW, but didn’t back in 1955, who is to say what all the polio cases were?  Read this…

HiB - cases and deaths seem to vary, despite children being heavily vaccinated for this disease - (source)  There is also no data for cases pre-vaccine era...

Pneumococcal - Prevnar 13 - the bacteria are evolving, there are over 90 strains (the vaccine only “covers” 13 strains), and we don’t test children for this anymore...we simply give antibiotics for coughs, ear infections, etc. just incase it is this, when this bacteria COULD be the culprit.   There are about as many deaths from this as there were before the vaccine also...again, not really putting my trust in the vaccine...There do seem to be less cases of this, but breastfeeding has increased during the same time frame, as well as prenatal nutrition, and a variety of other factors have changed.  Giving the vaccine the credit, when it may or may not have done a thing, is unscientific…

Rotavirus - it is severe diarrhea… “Some, but not all, studies suggest that RotaTeq and Rotarix vaccines may possibly cause a small increase in the risk of intussusception.” (source)  The biggest risk of this, is dehydration for a healthy American baby...a risk I am willing to take...a breastfed baby usually weathers this disease a bit better...it has also been reported that there are deaths due to the vaccine...death from actual rotavirus is super rare(like, SUPER rare...in the US anyways), and so is death from the vaccine(but it can and does happen), but if there is even a SLIGHT risk in intussesception, then I will just take my chances with the disease.

Hep B - there are only a few thousand cases of this a year, and it often happens whether or not the person is vaccinated.  The at-risk population for hep B is generally people who do not get boosters, or simply don’t bother with vaccines at all.  If I were an intravenous drug user, I probably wouldn’t be worried with “protecting myself” against Hep B...probably wouldn’t even cross my mind.  However, people are safer with sex, tattoo parlors are more sanitary, etc. and there is much less worry over hep B.  Also, it was designed and promoted for the at-risk population...who didn't get it...so they pawned it off on newborns....It is a sexually transmitted disease with a vaccine that wears off.  There is no point in getting your new born vaccinated for it!

Hep A - You have very likely haven’t had it - with or without vaccination.  If you did, you probably called it food poisoning...which is essentially what it is - “fever, malaise, anorexia, nausea, abdominal discomfort, dark urine and jaundice”.  It also goes away on its own...it killed about 100 people pre-vaccine era, and kills about 30 now.  We wash our food better now...and it is transmitted fecal-oral route….meaning, someone infected pooed on your food...water sanitation is MUCH better nowadays that in the past, also.  This is not normally fatal, and there is no data to show how many vaccinated verses non-vaccinated get this disease...but I am sure it is pretty negligible...Also, 70% of children who get it, get NO symptoms….This vaccine also contains aborted fetal cells.

Chicken pox - vaccine just doesn’t work - and it contains aborted fetal cells.  See ingredient list linked above!  This is largely a safe and normal disease to get, and since the vaccine doesn’t work anyways, why risk the side effects?!

MMR - measles mumps and rubella...it is a loaded and very emotive topic right now, but I will say that the UK is highly vaccinated, and still has thousands of cases of measles a year, and almost no deaths - the mumps portion doesn’t work at all - and we don’t generally test for rubella...but this might sound familiar - “they had a fever and a rash for a few days…” That is all that rubella is...a few days of a fever and a rash...it is very likely that because we don’t test for it, we don’t truly know how many cases there are.  I know that “viral rashes” pop up on my newsfeed all the time… :)  Measles and rubella are both rashes after a fever....just because it isn’t lab confirmed, doesn’t mean it isn’t still happening.  And after this Disney outbreak (which the CDC has yet to confirm has happened) and there’s this report saying the measles portion isn’t effective enough to prevent outbreaks.

Thanks for reading!

In health,

Becca H.