This post is 2-fold...I wrote the first part when we got home from sprinkling my son's ashes...I wrote the last part on his 1st birthday. At the end, I'll include pictures of my sweet, still born baby - Laban Joel.
January 2019:
What to do with "the baby's body?" We were faced with this question, long before I was actually in labor with Laban..."we'll give you a list of funeral homes...do we need to call a pastor for you? You can do a funeral, or not, or a small memorial, or not...creamated? Buried? You can leave him here and we will just dispose of the body..." The words trailed off...it was like a mag-truck hit us... I just wanted to yell at them...I knew the baby was gone...but did we have to talk about these decisions before "it" was even OUT of MY body?! "It" didn't even have a name yet, or a birth day, or a weight...but we were faced with many questions and decisions from the hospital staff...a list of funeral homes was provided late that evening...how could we even call them??? We had just found out mere hours ago that our baby was dead! *My inner voice choked up*...I can't call...my husband is in no frame of mind...maybe my mom can...
We did end up tasking my mom with finding a funeral home that would cremate the baby for free. Cremation costs are much less than traditional casket options, but still quite costly, but some funeral homes are so broken for our situation, that they offer the services free - and we are so thankful. My mom had to go to great lengths, for Laban's body...we filled out all the appropriate paper work, talked to all the right people, but day after day passed, and we hadn't heard from anyone...I texted my mom..."Hey, did the funeral home get Laban's body? We haven't heard anything...I'm terrified he's sitting in the fridge like last week's leftovers!" My mind and heart were racing...he needed to be cremated...why was there no communication...my mom ended up making a huge amount of calls between funeral home and hospital...and somehow, the paperwork we had filled out and signed never made it where it should have...and he was "stuck" at the pathology lab...never made it to the morgue....finally, he ended up at the funeral home, after my mother marched herself to the hospital to oversee everything that needed to happen.
The funeral home, Ammens (highly recommend!) was very kind...Joye was the director who spoke with us...very gentle, but cut to the chase...she suggested us cremating Laban with a dozen roses and that lots of clients do that option...I knew Laban's remains would be minimal...weighing in at 6.3 oz WITH fluids...so I opted for it...I love flowers...especially roses, as that was my grandmother's name, and my middle name. So he was cremated with a dozen white roses - a cost of $48 dollars, they reduced to $24 - because of their infant policies which include certain things 50% off. We hadn't selected an urn...it seemed too...deathly? I looked up how big a box or vase needed to be for premie deaths...believe it or not, there's a calculation for poundage to cubic inches...1 pound of weight = 1 cubic inch of ashes. He was less than a pound, but I think they were including his placenta and the blanket that held him, so it might be 2 or 3 pounds total. I found this trinket box on amazon...and it seemed perfect for the occasion. They shipped fairly fast as well, and worked perfectly for our needs, without being too expensive either. There's a charity that does this also that you can donate to, or ask for a casket from. Their hearts, too, have been broken from infant loss. The Audrey and McKenna Foundation - that is a link to their facebook page.
Once the box arrived, we needed to take it to the funeral home to get 'filled'...thankfully, they kept the cremains in a little bag that was zip-tied. Daniel kept the kids home while I went...it was a sad drive there...and awful drive home...and I just wept on and off...
We decided we would go that Saturday - Jan 19 (3 weeks post partum) to Mead Gardens - where Daniel and I were married 7 years ago - and put his cremains in the creek there. We wanted him to be sprinkled somewhere special to us, but not somewhere we will drive by often and remember frequently.
Dec 2019 insert: there were moments of healing I never expected...in my herbalism class, we sang a song from Native American traditions that referenced always being mother and flowing to the sea...it is something I cried through, every class that we sang it. Overall, that whole class was extremely healing for me as a person...A highlight of 2019.
Back to January 2019:
We finally got there...the place was PACKED...evidently, the camellia show was happening that day...we've never seen the parking lot so jammed...it was so nice to see all the improvements done to the gardens though...the boardwalk repaired, new buildings and a new amphitheater..but the old one we were married at was still there...and the creek I remembered so fondly was still just as picturesque. It was roughly 1:30...sunny, and not too warm...very much like our wedding day... We prayed with the kids, thanked God for Laban's life, and I sprinkled him into the creek...and washed him gently wash away...
Daniel was eager to leave, but I had wanted to stay...but lunch and hungry tummies awaited, so leave we did. I drove...I don't know why I thought that was a good idea...as I drove, I was crying "I can't help but feel I killed him somehow...was I too stressed? Did I not take enough vitamins?! He was such a good baby - didn't make me as tired as Samuel and not as sick as Emilia...his sweet soft kicks....he looked so much like Samuel..beautiful." and I just cried (thankfully, I didn't have to drive too far)...I heard Samuel crying gently in the backseat - first time we've seen him mourn at all...we talked to him about it...he's just now starting to feel the weight of his baby brother is gone, not coming back, and Mama and Daddy are so so sad...
It was important to me to get it done TODAY...I go back to work Sunday(tomorrow)...and I need that question done...that question that people always bring up - "what are you going to do with him?" I didn't want it open ended, or unsure, or unfinished...I wanted this chapter closed...I wanted him laid to rest, as best as I could...I am a mum...we want our babies at peace...just because he isn't living, and I know his soul is at peace, doesn't mean I care nothing for his body...I expected weeping as I sprinkled him...but honestly, it was relief...I couldn't dwell on what to do with him anymore...no more "when", or "how" to float around...it's super done. It was beautiful and lovely - as much as possible...and complete.
I have compiled a photo album of all of my kids through these last few weeks...the ones I took right after Laban was born, the ones Jennifer (our family photographer) took later that day, and some of the kids as we had my maternity leave off. Be warned, Laban is a premie baby...extremely premie whose body was already starting to deteriorate before being delivered...but if you want to see it, it's available to you(bottom of this post). People need to know...other mums who go through this need to know what to expect. His skin was like tissue paper - so fragile....his bones were soft, but I could see muscle tone, foot and finger prints, a beautiful face like his brother, and the remnants of what would have been, the sweetest soul.
Born to Jesus...
We all miss you all the more, Laban....as the days pass, and the nights fade to mornings...oh my heart yearns to feel you kick...to know you'll be in my arms, fat and cooing with a giant grin, and to know that is a dream to be fulfilled by Heaven...the ache remains...
I close this chapter in this book...this chapter of dealing with "the body"...the heartbroken shell of a mum is still here....I'll grieve him for my lifetime...if you see me and think I don't look sad, or I look strong...know, it is just a facade...the pain is literally unbearable and the facade is easier to deal with....so life trudges on...
With sleeplessness and tears,Becca H.
To present: December 2019...his 1 year old birthday...
I finally started sleeping maybe 2 or 3 months post-partum...the trauma of what happened lingered so long, as did the bleeding - longer than my live births and it fluctuated a lot...and just when I would guarantee it was done, it would rear its ugly head again. It was a constant source of pain emotionally - seeing that every time you went to the bathroom...awful. In the insomnia - it is a crazy thing - trauma...I've gone through other traumatic things...but it didn't linger in the sleeplessness like this...I kept seeing his face when I closed my eyes, I had dreams that his still-born delivery was the dream and I was still pregnant, getting ready to deliver him as a healthy, living baby; I had dreams I got pregnant again, etc. It has mostly stopped at this point...but feeling the subconscious regulate with the conscious...it was very, very stressful and long lasting.
I haven't lost any weight post partum...none...in fact, I have gained a few pounds. This is another source of stress...not getting back to any sort of normalcy in my wardrobe or feeling like I'm actually in MY body...I've tried a variety of things - this Monday I'm planning on going much more intentional about my food and 'hard core' if you will - something needs to change, or I need to spend a lot of money on new clothes, cause this just isn't cutting it anymore. And please don't say "you just had a baby"....I had a baby a year ago...and if I want any more babies, I'm not healthy to start that process...so yes, my weight is a big deal.
These are all normal things as part of still births that no one wants to talk about...you can't sleep, you're depressed, you can't lose weight, you eat to self soothe, you hate your body that it not only failed you and your baby, you don't look or feel remotely attractive....it's a hot mess....
Looking back on the year, it was mostly awful - 2019 can pound sand as far as I'm concerned - but there were bright points - I took an herbalism class that I LOVED...it very much confirmed in me that I want to pursue herbalism as a career...
My friends, family, and customers wrapped me in love, and still do, VERY much so, to this day...I don't know that I've ever felt more love than I have in 2019...from everyone...
Emilia is speaking SO well...she's advanced beyond her years verbally and such a little character full of spunk and emotions. Samuel is eager to learn all the things - which he does incredibly fast, though I'm often too busy to teach - he's really getting into board gaming with Daniel and I - he still gives the sweetest hugs and he's still huge - 75% for weight and height and healthy as a horse! They had a wonderful birthday party in November celebrating 3 and 6 years old. My herbal business is flourishing - my side gig is now my main gig and my main job is still there - I work a LOT these days.
All this to say, I will always be a grieving mother...and this year was my grief year...I need next year to be my hope...my fun...bring joy back...wallowing in grief isn't healthy or happy or hopeful. Life is just too short for this! It's so crazy...how one little baby that we only knew 20 weeks, could wreck our whole world...change it for the better, while also devastating it....my empty arms ache for him...there's an empty seat at the table...a child's table where there should have been a bouncer...I often post on my facebook about the shadows of the life that isn't here...I see his shadow everywhere I go...I see his little baby friends...the life he would have had...a bereaved mother will always see their child's shadow. Always.
With love and ache,
Becca
***photos are somewhat graphic and potentially triggering***
P.S. The pictures of my sweet boy - some are very explicit and untouched...some were done with love and care by a dear photographer friend. He looked exactly like Samuel...I won't caption them or anything...it's pretty self explanatory.
