On August 31st, I woke up from a much needed nap... felt like I needed to take a pregnancy test, based on some symptoms....I put the drops in...washed my hands...looked like nothing...dried my hands...glanced back
- faint line....and getting darker...
I had to think...when in the world was I even ovulating?! I've been super stressed and busy on the whole....still nursing my 22 month old OFTEN (which has been effective birth control up until a month or two ago)...
Shock. Shock was the sensation...then complete joy...then scared - what if I lose this baby too? I had an early miscarriage in Oct 2015, 23 months pp after my first child. The similarities are so similar right now...
I told my sister and a few friends....I did not know how to tell my husband...I knew he wouldn't be happy about this...we have 2 SUPER strong willed, incredibly smart, ever exhausting children. My 1 year old still doesn't sleep well....my 4 year old is still prone to explosive meltdowns...
My husband was DONE. Heart full, signed, sealed, and blessed kinda DONE.
And so the next morning, after breakfast, I said "honey, I need to tell you something...." He literally gripped the wall, somewhat jokingly like "what's coming at me!?" kinda way....
"I'm pregnant"
He continued to grip the wall - "why would you joke about something like this? This isn't funny...please tell me you are joking!"
I teared up..."no, I'm not...why would I joke about a new baby!"
He ran into our room, laid on our bed, and stared at the dresser....in silence...
I wept, told him all the info that I knew...eventually the children came in and he simply left to go mow the lawn...that's it. No other words...
Shock....it's still the phase we are in...I'm really excited, personally...Emilia doesn't know what is going on...Samuel doesn't want another sibling...and Daniel...still overall shock.
With Samuel - lots of prayer and supplements went into his conception....Emilia- same story and we prayed and tried for well over a year for her, intentionally weaned Samuel, had a miscarriage also...she was SO WANTED and anticipated and so much joy and peace around her whole pregnancy....
We never got pregnant on accident before, or while nursing for that matter...so we're processing lots of new feelings....I very much wanted 3+ children...So I keep mentally telling this baby how loved and wanted it is to us...
We have concerns - money is the main one. We are still uninsured -though I have pregnancy medicaid this time around. I am still not a fan of hospital births for myself, personally, especially after my amazing homebirth with Emilia. I currently make less money than ever - as I have had to reduce my hours at work, due to lack of childcare. I really don't want to take on MORE work at a different job, and continue the struggle to find someone to watch the kiddos. Also, elderberries - which have been extremely difficult to get a hold of this year - are extremely scarce. My business is thriving and providing extremely important income right now, but no elderberries = out of stock and I really don't want to run out of stock! :(. Sleep is another concern - historically, our babies sleep good till about 3.5 months, and then never sleep again till they are 2 or 3 years old....we have no idea why they are wired this way, we've done all the things, please don't suggest any more things...we've done.them.all. Nothing has been successful.
We just heard the heartbeat on Thursday afternoon....it was such a bugger - like its siblings...evasive and stubborn...150's heart rate - just like them....I was measuring right on track, though I'm showing quite a bit already. But when I heard that heartbeat....oh I just smiled..."hey baby!"....so so precious...so honored to carry another life in me again...
I'm 12 weeks. Due date is "May"....that's all I'm saying...I go past my due date, I make giant babies...I'm not telling you the actual date...that's the month I'm due and will likely deliver sometime that month.
We have no idea how this is all going to work out, but I have 100% faith God will provide all that we need.
If you could pray for us in this journey, of acceptance, excitement, peace, sleep, and finances, we would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you for reading, here's some of today's adorable pictures!
