10 things not to say to an un-pregnant momma...

What people need to STOP being experts on…

Someone else’s fertility.  I may have, at some point, offended a lot of people with some of these very statements, so in advance, I apologize.  

10 Things people need to stop saying to women who are not pregnant:

1. “Don’t you want another baby?”  -  why yes, yes I do.  Can you get one for me?  Care to squeeze an ovary? Got a magic potion to transform non-pregnant women into pregnant ones!? There may be a plethora of reasons why I am not currently pregnant or adopting a baby…most/all of those reasons are not your business.
2. “Totally time for another baby!!”  - so glad you think so.  My family may not be having another baby, or may not be announcing a pregnancy just yet…but glad your brief observation of my family warrants your opinion on a life changing event…
3. “You’re STILL nursing?!”  - yes, I am.  I was pregnant for 41 weeks and 1 day, nursing a total of 16 months, and still going.  I realize I am not the norm in America, because I have far surpassed “normal” nursing amounts (only 27% of infants in America even nurse to 12 months), but don’t make me feel like a freak for doing so.  The American average age to stop nursing is 3 months.  The worldwide average is 4 years.  Yeah, pretty sure the average American is the freak, not me. I have LOVED nursing…we are trying to wean, but ONLY because of my fertility being stunted by the nursing.  We’re down to 2-3 feedings a day.  Progress ☺
4. “I know so-and-so got pregnant while nursing!”  - good for you.  I know her too.  She is 1 of 2% women who can get pregnant while nursing.  I am so happy that she has gotten exactly what she wants.  Do you know how that SOUNDS?!  It sounds like “hey, that girl we both know got your dream house, you can too!” and this is just not the case.  Fertility, especially while nursing, is super tricky.  Fertility is ALWAYS tricky.  You know I have a child already…I KNOW how to get pregnant.  Clearly, I am not at the moment.  Refer to #1, #2, and #3 above.
5. “Well, we’ve definitely prayed a lot about getting pregnant!”  - you think we haven’t?!  You think I don’t shed tears knowing my friends are getting pregnant when I want to be?  Or that they have children way younger than my son, and already have a very growing baby bump?  That they have been able to plan on their pregnancies, when Samuel was a complete shock and wanting him to be a big brother, very difficult?!
6. “Well, we feel led to have a large family.”  – good.  I do too.  I love love love being a momma.  I loved being pregnant(until that last week or two), didn’t mind my horrible 37 hour labor one bit.  I love the making of crazy kid snacks, the nursing, the cloth diapering, the baby wearing, the teaching to read and make animal noises, baby sign language…just love it all.  I’d love to have six or more children…(Daniel needs some convincing)… but at any rate, how do you know I DON’T feel led to having lots of children?  I have always pictured my family as having at least four kids…at LEAST…so I am glad that you are pregnant, but please don’t throw in the “God led us to this which is why we are pregnant, and I guess He didn’t to you, otherwise you’d be pregnant again!” card…that is how it sounds…
7. “All in God’s timing.”  – Yeah, I know that.  I have always struggled with patience and depending on God, instead of myself, but it isn’t comforting to know that God is NOT blessing our family with another child when it is desperately prayed for, thought of, etc.  It may be comforting in hindsight, but in the middle of the storm, knowing that the clear skies are far away and out of reach for unknown reasons, isn’t really comforting…
8. “You should just go to the doctor, they probably have something that can help you!”  - well, few things in that statement:  A. I don’t have insurance just “going to the doctor” needs to be a serious emergency to warrant the bill we’d rack up.  B.  I went to the doctor, a few months before I conceived Samuel, with fertility concerns.  I asked for progesterone to help, she said she could give me birth control(which originally caused ovulation problems for me years ago), and that was the end of that.  I looked up natural options for a healthy cycle, and was pregnant before I even got another period!  (please re-read that sentence)  Sorry, not going to go to a doctor that will waste months of time, putting me on birth control, only to take me off of it, to see if it will help with fertility, when I have a bad history of birth control making things a LOT worse for me.  This process could take months or years to go through and fix.  No thanks.  A fertility doctor will need me to go through all of that first, THEN see him after A YEAR of trying with no success.  So, the option is, after 2-3 years of problems, lots of money, etc. a medical doctor might be able to help.  No, thank you for the very obvious suggestion.
9. “Maybe you should just adopt.”  – while I love adoption, I think it is a great thing, etc. Neither Daniel nor I think that would be the best option for our family, for MANY reasons.  See #1.  If you are adopting, or have adopted, we have the utmost respect for you, and love/support what you are doing….
10. “It’ll work out for you, I’m sure you’ll be pregnant in no time!”  - while this is nice, and I am sure you are trying to be encouraging, this is probably not true…you don’t tell children they will probably get all A’s in school, and that super expensive toy they want for Christmas, when you have no idea what their parents’ financial situation is, or if they even get good grades.  While Daniel and I are healthy, see #4.

So please, when you want to say these things to a non-pregnant momma, please stop.  Just because she isn’t pregnant, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be, isn’t desperately trying, isn’t praying, or isn’t already at her wits end smiling and congratulating every pregnant woman(which seems to be every woman of childbearing age) she meets and sees on Facebook.  You don’t know the feelings behind the person…And yes, most women are “momma’s” whether or not they have physically birthed a child, because they know they love a child they have never even met…

P.S. these sayings have all been said to me in the last few months…I’m not making these up, or pulling them out of thin air.  I am also not trying to be passive aggressive and call people out on these sayings either.  The people who said them - I love dearly, and I understand they were not intending to hurt my feelings and have already been forgiven.

#thatisall

Becca H.