BBQ bacon green beans

bbq bacon green beans for home size.

3/4 cup of ketchup
2 Tbsp + 2tsp of mustard
2 Tbsp + 1 tsp brown sugar.
^mix together.  (use organic if you can- that is what I did)
cook about 1/3-1/2 pound of bacon.  SAVE GREASE.  cook about half an onion in the grease until soft and clear.  Put bacon, onions, and grease into the ketchup sauce and put that in blender or use immersion blender to break up bacon and onions in the sauce.  You don't want it smooth, but you might not want it super chunky.

Use 1 14.5 oz can of del monte green beans and about 1/3 cup of sauce.  This recipe should make enough for 3-4 cans.  I use del monte because they are non-gmo, use sea salt, and I believe BPA-free can lining.  I doubt this would come out the same with fresh/frozen beans.  Bake in the oven at 375 for about 20 - 40 minutes.  I have only baked this in a convection oven - both at my job where we made this in NJ and my job in FL.  So let me know if bake time or temp is off :-P  I also had to DRASTICALLY reduce this recipe, so it might not taste quite the same.  The original recipe used gallons as quantities.

Hope that helps and it tastes awesome...

Another health rant....Vaccines, then and now...30 years...

        I often hear how "I was vaccinated and turned out fine"...and how, by this logic, vaccinating infants today is the same as vaccinating 30 years ago.  Well, my mom recently found my vaccine records from when I was an infant 30 years ago, and I would like to bring some clarity to this myth.

First of all, newborn Hep B vaccination was not a thing in '86.  Hep B campaigns didn't start till 1991 in most countries and were not found to be effective as the cause for the decline in the disease. (source)  And Hep B vaccination is thought to wear off, even with the "complete series" being done on infants, in as little as 15 years.(source)  So if you are trying to protect your infant from drug/prostitution related disease, like hep b, it will probably wear off by the time your infant is a teenager or adult and becomes sexually active.  In my mind, if the 3 doses don't work for long term protection, I have doubts about them working at all.   Another interesting study on the hep b vaccine - here.  And here is one showing adjuvants in the hep b vaccine cause auto-immune disease - here.  Keep in mind many of the adjuvants in hep b vaccine are the very same in many other vaccines...aluminum specifically...I'll talk about that more towards the end.

So hep b vaccination wasn't a thing...in fact, the entire infant schedule of today wasn't a thing.  HiB, IPV, Hep B, DTaP, Rotavirus, and PCV-13, plus flu shot at 6 months - I received NONE of those as an infant...and survived!  Wow!  I received DTP and OPV at the 2,4,6 month appointments.  Both of those vaccines have been pulled from the US market because of so many adverse reactions...again, I say, Wow...I survived!  OPV is still used in other countries and it still causes problems there too... (source, source1)  DTP caused a lot of problems, so it was pulled, and DTaP became the vaccine of choice.  It changed from a whole-cell pertussis bacteria, to an acellular pertussis bacteria(aP).  It provides a "chunk" of the bacteria, instead of the whole thing. I can't even find the ingredients in the DPT/DTP vaccine...it's as if it ceased to exist once DTaP became available in 1996.  It took a LONG time for the government to admit these were problematic and dangerous...I actually have a childhood friend who almost died from the DTP....anyways...

For the ease of my comparison I will refer to "1986" simply as my schedule...not the actual year they were given in, but the schedule I was subjected to, as a 1986 baby.

so to compare:
1986: DPT, OPV - 4 antigens at 2,4,6 months(I actually was given OPV at 2,4 months, 3rd at 18 months.)
2016: HiB, IPV, Hep B, DTaP, Rotavirus, and PCV-13 (plus flu at 6 months) - ~23-27 antigens at 2,4,6 months old.

So yeah, no...ZERO similarities.  So the "I was vaxed and was fine" doesn't apply...because children today aren't even getting the same vaccines and not remotely on the same schedule.  So that's the first 6 months...let's continue...

My next vaccine series was given at 15 months - MMR, but it seems to be that they were separated into 3 separate vaccines - M, M, and R monovalent vaccines no longer available, as of Oct 21, 2009.  MMR and Varicella, Hep A, IPV, PCV-13, Hep B, DTaP, and Flu would all be given at the current schedule's 15 month appointment.  Side note, MMR is almost always given in the MMR+V vaccine DESPITE the CDC's recommendation of separating the two into separate shots.  Depending on the doctor, there is a 1 year check up where most of these are given at 12 months(DTaP generally is held off until 15 months, but all the other ones can be given and are recommended at 12 months).

So to compare 1 year old vaccines:
1986: M, M, and R monovalent vaccines at 15 months.
2016: MMR II, Varicella, Hep A, IPV, PCV-13, Hep B, and Flu vaccines at 12 months, or at 15 months, including DTaP also.

1986: DTP and OPV at 18 months.
2016: Hep A, Flu, and any others that may not have been given at the 12/15 month appointments at 18 months.

At two years old, the schedule seems to slow down quite a bit...I actually got a HiB vaccine at this point, and the norm is to give it to infants now.  It had just been licensed a mere two months before I received it.  Flu shot is also recommended from 6 months till death nowadays, and wasn't when I was little....and didn't die of flu.  Something to keep in mind with the HiB shot, is that it only "covers" strain B.  Only about 1-4 dozen cases of the B strain happen each year in children under 5 - so it is really rare. (source - CDC 2015)  HOWEVER, hundreds of cases non-serotype b and unknown serotype happen every year.  Hundreds of cases, amongst millions of <5 year old children is STILL rare.  My point is, the strain the vaccine protects against is very VERY unlikely to be caught by your child, vaccinated or not.

Again, comparing 2-3 year olds vaccines:
1986: HiB given at 2 years.
2016: Flu shot given at 2 and 3 years old, as many as four shots in 6 month intervals.

4 years old...the big "kindergarten shots".  Again, I was given M, M, and R monovalent shots, a DT "booster".  And a current "kindergartener" - DTaP, IPV, Flu, MMR, Varicella(generally MMR+V).  This is the 5th dose of DTaP...you'd think that their protection level against those diseases would be high...so high, there would be amazing immunity to pertussis especially.  (Diphtheria basically doesn't exist in America, less than 1 case per year, and tetanus is non-communicable, which is why I focus on the pertussis portion).  It has been shown, in the NEJM that protection "wanes" after the 5th dose...which makes me think that the first 4 doses don't provide any protection anyways....Wouldn't extra doses elicit a BETTER protection?  More antibodies equal more protection...right?! There are also NUMEROUS cases where outbreaks occur in 100%, or at the very least 95%+ vaccinated population.  (source, source1, source2, source3, source4)

The "kindergarten" shots (given between 4-6 years old):
1986: M, M, R, and DT.
2016: DTaP, IPV, Flu, MMR, Varicella.

That's it.  My shots are done.  I DID get a DTaP before a missions trip in 2002, followed by contracting whooping cough in 2003(four DTP and a recent DTaP and still got whooping cough!)  I also got a Hep B vaccine in 2004, before living in the dorm at college, I might have gotten all three rounds, I don't really recall and can't find the documentation.  So let's continue on this comparison...

5-11 years old:
1986: none.
2016: annual flu shots.

Then we get to the "7th grade" shots.  Another TDaP - only this is the adult version, instead of the DTaP.  The meningococcal - a completely unnecessary vaccine.  Your child is more likely to get typhoid fever than this form of meningitis.  Literally.  And here's a helpful link that helped me evaluate the facts about it.  Flu, yet again...and then there's the infamous HPV.  The American college of Pediatrics thinks you should asses the risks of HPV with the risks of the shot- which include ovarian failure and menopause - in teens!  (source)  It has been shown to cause you to be susceptible to more dangerous and virulent strains AND in the study, 11% of the HPV-4 women still got the strains of HPV they were vaxed against, vs. 20% of the unvaxed.  (source)  So really, the risk between unvaxed and vaxed is pretty clear - might as well not get vaccinated for it.  It is recommended for boys now too. According to the CDC, HPV generally clears itself out, with no health risks.  Having pap smears every THREE years will even be frequent enough to detect HPV and treat it if there is an abnormal pap smear.  You can easily google dangers of HPV vaccine and hear and watch horror stories of this vaccine damaging hundreds of women, killing over 100.  Japan doesn't recommend it for their girls anymore, either.  I believe there are lawsuits from several countries suing Merck over this vaccine as well.  I hope that I have given you enough info to avoid these vaccines.

12 years old:
1986: none.
2016: TDaP, Meningococcal, flu, and HPV.


This is a pretty accurate visual comparison:

We know that chronic childhood illness is CLIMBING.  We don't know the cause, but we know that that the mainstream community isn't looking at vaccines as the cause.  However, we know over-vaccinating pets is causing huge problems....why is it so hard to believe we are over-vaccinating our babies?  Long before the "anti-vax trend", a doctor bravely put together this information about the linkage between type 1 diabetes and vaccines.  Diabetes puts you at much greater risk for heart disease, obesity, cancer, etc.  This link connects chronic illness with vaccines, but there are plenty of studies that say otherwise, too.  I see chronic illness growing.  I see vaccines disrupt the immune system.  I see some studies saying vaccines are causing chronic disease, and it totally makes sense to me...  My husband's family, as well as my own, has lots of diabetes.  Our son has 8 great grandparents, 5 of which had diabetes of some kind.  One had Parkinson's and skin cancer.  The two remaining that are alive currently - one has a severely atrophied brain, and the other has had a variety of problems her whole life.  With this genetic linage, I cannot risk diabetes and neural issues for my children.  Aluminum is to be avoided for infants, yet, it is the main adjuvant in almost all vaccines and it is heavily linked to nervous system issues and dementia!  According to Dr. Sears,
             "But wait. You are probably thumbing back through the book right now to see exactly how much aluminum was in each vaccine. Put your thumb away. At the risk of being repetitive I’ll just list it right here again:

• Hib (PedVaxHib brand only) – 225 micrograms per shot.
• Hepatitis B – 250 micrograms.
• DTaP – depending on the manufacturer, ranges from 170 to 625 micrograms.
• Pneumococcus – 125 micrograms.
• Hepatitis A – 250 micrograms.
• HPV – 225 micrograms.
• Pentacel (DTaP, HIB and Polio combo vaccine) – 330 micrograms.
• Pediarix (DTaP, Hep B and Polio combo vaccine) – 850 micrograms.

OK, I’ll do the math for you. A newborn who gets a Hepatitis B injection on day one of life would get 250 micrograms of aluminum. This would be repeated at one month of age with the next Hep B shot. When a baby gets the first big round of shots at 2 months, the total dose of aluminum can vary from 295 micrograms (if a non-aluminum HIB and the lowest aluminum brand of DTaP is used) to a whopping 1225 micrograms if the highest aluminum brands are used and Hep B vaccine is also given." And for those of you that don't do metric, 1225 micrograms is 1.2 mg- that's kind of a lot - especially for an infant!  And not to mention the other unsavory ingredients you can check out here.  Please research...please message me with questions...join a facebook group, like Gentle Informants, to help give you studies to back up this less-than-popular opinion.

So I ask you, are you really "fine"?  This 80's generation is afflicted with all kinds of problems like PCOS, food allergies, metabolic disorders, cancers, diabetes, depression, etc.  Several 20/30 somethings I know, are on many medications....but this is considered "fine"?  And they are now seen in our children!  I can't tell you how many birthday parties I cook/bake for, where there are multiple children with life-threatening allergies, and on more than one type of prescription medication.  Are "we" really fine?  Are our kids "fine"?

I hope this comparison helps you in your journey...I hope you make an informed decision, whether or not you vaccinate.

And I only scratched the surface...

In health,
Becca H.

P.S. I went through this carefully researched blog without mentioning autism, Dr. Wakefield, or Jenny McCarthy.  A non-vaxer isn't always just following a trend...they might just be finding solid research...

Health Rant #9 - Healthy or hopeless - my review of protein shakes!

        For some time now, I have been asked to explain which protein shakes I like and/or use...and which ones I don't like, and why...Now, I am going to mention brand names...and not for the sake of slamming the company, but there is a lot of misinformation about protein/meal replacement shakes.  I am not an expert, but I have been using them for years and researching nutrition for years...so I take it pretty seriously, especially since a meal replacement is replacing nutrition that you would be getting in a meal and will likely be a major player in your diet...if you drink 5 shakes a week, 4 weeks a month, you've had 20 "meals" a month from this particular source, so I think it needs to be of utmost quality!  I generally have a shake EVERY morning for breakfast, so 30% of my diet comes from shakes...they need to be great.  I will even mention brands I currently represent, and not always in a good light...so bear with me...I am trying to be objective and simply show why I use what I use and what are other good options.

Protein is what makes us, us.  It is pretty important to eat enough of it, as we need the amino acids to build the proteins we need.  So when we eat protein, we break it down into amino acids, and use those amino acids to be assembled into the protein molecules that the particular cell or organ needs.

DNA is translated into protein and everything from your skin texture and even how you digest food, is a reflection of protein in your body.  Your liver is capable of making 12 of the 20 core amino acids, and 8 need to come from outside sources.  Animal protein is considered "complete" protein, because it has all 20 amino acids.  Rice and beans are a "complete" protein, because what amino acids rice lacks, beans have.  Quinoa is also considered complete, as well as a few other vegetarian combinations.  Animal protein is generally preferred, and it is actually easier to absorb.  In my case, I already eat a lot of animal protein in the form of grassfed beef, antibiotic free pastured chicken, and organic free range eggs...organic greek yogurt...yum....  So I generally try to get vegetarian shakes, because I don't think I need even more animal protein.  I have used some whey protein in the past, and have a few recommendations for that as well.

Things I look for in a shake:
I also need affordable - Daniel and I, combined, make way under the average income in America. I pinch every penny I can find, into making healthy food a priority in our home.  Yes, we still eat Pizza Hut too, don't judge ;)  I buy most of our food at Bj's Wholesale or Aldi to save money, and buy my spices once a month through a co-op - and I go through a lot of spices!  We don't have cable, we only have one car payment, we don't buy a lot of snack foods or soda/juice, and just stick to filtered water...you get the drill...  So what I may consider affordable, you may not.  So I will try to put price per serving in with each shake option.

I need healthy - if it is likely going to be 30% of my diet, it needs to be nutritious...infact, it might be the most nutritious thing I eat all day...it needs to be awesome.

I need it convenient - one of the main reasons I do shakes, is because I need something relatively low calorie, and high nutrition that is EASY.  Sure, I can wake up, make myself eggs and spinach, and pull out the juicer and make myself fresh juice every morning...but I don't know about you, but "ain't nobody got time for that" in this house!  Let alone the cost of that, can be quite pricey over time.  Yes, I still eat eggs, for breakfast even, but it isn't often and certainly not before I tackle my busy day...which is every day...I need something I can easily mix in a blender bottle or my vitamix super fast, and GO!

I want it soy free- soy is linked to all kinds of hormonal problems...and if you follow my blog at all, you know already, that I have my own sets of hormone issues, and I really can't have any extra factors contributing to the issue(s).

Whey shakes:
        You want a whey shake to be whey concentrate, not whey isolate.  Whey isolate protein can have a lot of damaging effects to the body...Dr. Mercola explains a lot about it in this article.  I think whey shakes should be organic and minimally processed...and once you step into that bracket, they become pretty pricey.  Here are the ones I recommend -
                     Tera's Whey - ~2$ a serving for ~ 20g of protein.  They have a bunch of different flavors, I LOVE their chocolate and their blueberry.  They are NOT meal replacement shakes, though.  If you want the other goodies in a meal replacement shake, then you need a blender to add goodness in.  But if you just want straight protein, these are great for a blender bottle and some cold fluid!
                     Mercola Whey - ~3$ for ~20g of protein, depending on which shake you decide on.  Dr. Mercola has some great products.  If you sign up for newsletters, you can get some really great deals that the newsletters offer.  If you buy in bulk, it is even better pricing.  I have to laugh...there is a blogger called the Crunchy Dungeon, and he is hysterical...and he wrote this blog about Mercola and mentions his whey shakes, so I just need to reference that post of his, for your entertainment.  I have never had it, but I have used a few other Mercola products and follow him avidly
                     Raw Organic Whey - ~2$ for ~20 g of protein.  Oh man...this stuff.  I LOVE this protein.  LOVE it.  It needs to be said how creamy and awesome this protein is.  If you are a vegetarian that tries to avoid dairy, but really need some animal protein...this is the "whey" to go.  It is just wonderful, and the company is awesome.  It is very easy on the tummy, and again, delish.  It is also available from Amazon.  These are also not meal replacements, but with a little this or that, you'd be grand pretty quick.

Please note: there are other whey shakes that are good, or even better than I listed.  I just have no desire to list them all for you.  But I hope you do your research.  MOST whey protein shakes are either all or mostly isolate protein, often have soy isolate protein (that super bad for you also) and/or other soy products, with junk artificial sweeteners, sugar, PUFA's, and a variety of other problematic ingredients.  Most whey in shakes is not from organic or grass-fed sources. I'd say 90%+ of the whey shake market is garbage.  Like, will do you more harm than good.  Very popular, and oft touted brands are whey isolate based - Shakeology, doTERRA, Body by Vi(you can contact a rep, but you'll find they have lots of fancy words and isolate protein, and are outrageously expensive), Plexus, Usana...I'm sure you get the picture.  

Vegetarian shakes:
                   These are much easier to find as "meal replacements", but you can find plain protein powders too.  In this "realm", you have many options - rice, pea, chia, soy, lentil, quinoa, etc. as options, and many are combinations of those options.  I prefer pea protein as the base, it isn't gritty and no strong flavors...rice seems gritty to me, I can ALWAYS taste the quinoa flavor, lentil is kind of gritty, I won't do any soy...as in, the shakes I use must be soy free!
                    Garden of Life RAW Meal- $1.50 for 20g of protein.  They have a VARIETY of options that I have tried - raw meal, raw protein, FIT protein, and a whole ton of other products(their multivitamins are the best, as are their probiotics)...really can't say enough good things about this company...there is one catch...this raw meal, while incredibly healthy, is not...how can I say this...tasty?  I mean, it isn't awful...they reformulated several months ago, and it is WORLDS BETTER, not so fibery, better taste and texture overall, more protein now too....but I just don't LOVE taking it...I don't think "man, I can't wait to get my shake!"...but it is super healthy, and very affordable, and their raw FIT protein is even better - a little more expensive, but better taste and tons of protein.  I love that their raw meal comes with tons of vitamins and minerals, probiotics, etc....this is why I default to vegetarian protein powders...because you can get a very complete meal for less than the cost of the plain high quality whey...  This is often on sale at my local health food store also, further reducing the price.  I know Whole Foods discounts this from time to time also.  As well as Vitamin Shoppe, and other carriers of this product!
                       22 Days Nutrition - $1.83-2.40 for 16g of protein.  It is your basic protein - tasty, fine by itself, and great in smoothies.  I am part of a co-op that I can get it for the 1.83 price, so it is nice to have on hand for the 1 or 2 smoothies I make a week.  The strawberry flavor is excellent also.  I make a mixed berry smoothie with it, chia, and spirulina and it is great.  I don't love the price point, and I am looking into finding other simple protein options for a lower price.
                       Designer Protein Organic Pro 30 - $2.32 for 30g of protein. This one is my favorite right now...First of all, I need to tell you how awesome their customer service is.  I had an issue with my order that they corrected at their expense and can't thank them enough.  I do NOT, however, stand by all their products...they do use whey isolate in some of their other shakes and I only attest to Organic Pro 30 ones being great.  I own both flavors that are available, chocolate and vanilla. I think the chocolate isn't chocolatey enough, but I just LOVE these shakes!  They are creamy and smooth, instead of the typical fibery and gritty.  I just use 4 oz of almond milk and 4 oz of water, in a blender bottle and CHUG them!  I am just getting back into more hardcore lifting, and these are WONDERFUL additions to my diet!  I love that they have fiber, probiotics, and protein too!  I really feel like these are more the complete "meal" idea, without being full of calories and junk!  Only 3g of sugar too!  They are my go-to shake right now, and if you wanted to make the cost per serving less, you could do less of a scoop...not everyone needs 30g of protein for breakfast!  I am hypoglycemic, so I am really appreciating that protein boost in my day!

Please note: Most vegetarian shakes are rice and/or soy based - soy isolate protein is common!  Many are not non-gmo...and many of the ingredients in vegetarian shakes - alfalfa, soy, and corn, are OFTEN gmo, almost exclusively so.  If you aren't getting organic shakes, you need to be getting non-gmo ones.  GMO's are loaded with pesticides and when you dehydrate those pesticide-ridden foods, and concentrate them into a daily shake, you are getting LOTS more toxins than you probably would think...some people are more sensitive to them, than others.  But they are still NOT GOOD for anyone.  Just be informed, people.

I hope that sheds light on the protein shake idea...or at least, where I stand on it.  I would love to hear your thoughts, or any helpful information!  Thanks for reading,

In health,
Becca H.




                   

A bleak January...

January has been full of ups and downs for us this year...the weather here was a mix of blazing hot and very "Florida" cold.  Intertwined in that, was a lot of rain and clouds!  I fed over 500 people homemade chili at work...My sister came for a visit and announced a much prayed for, and awaited, pregnancy!  Woohoo!  Wehrle baby on the way!!!  I have not been able to establish any kind of workout routine, no matter how much I put my mind to it...I had injured my knee in December, and been extremely busy, so sleep and pain won the war.  (my knee is much better, but now I am terrified to run)  I DID just get a 36 day supply of a new high protein powder that I am eager to try.  It is pretty expensive, so I can only justify using it after lifting, so I'm cleaning off the weights today!  :)  Yes, a protein powder has motivated me to lift....exercise to eat, I guess :)  My grandmother is having some leg problems and I've been massaging it a couple of times a week, so my few free evenings a week are even less so right now.  Daniel and I had a great date night last week, and I've made some really delicious meals at work lately - parmesan crusted cod, beef stroganoff, and pork chops...and next week is chicken alfredo! 

 But in the midst of all of this, I have been doing a lot of soul searching and feeling like there was unaddressed sin in my life.  Annnnd I found it...while reading the Ten Comandments that we studied in Sunday School last week:

1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2. You shall not make idols.
3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor your father and your mother.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet.

Don't worry, I haven't killed anyone.  I haven't made any idols...haven't stolen...or lied...

I have been coveting.  The least discussed of all, in my opinion, is coveting.  And, very few of the discussions actually talk about what it MEANS.  Dictionary.com describes covet: to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others.  Because I'm not just desiring another baby...I get mad when I see pregnant people who have children Samuel's age and younger.  I CRINGE when I see younger women with a whole brood of children...I am jealous at the playground, when I see an impoverished family, with children who have rotting teeth, while the father verbally abuses his daughter to the point of hysterics.....I am angry God keeps giving them more children, leaving me barren...

Coveting is often glorified by American culture as a right to be upset at your misfortune and upset at everyone else's success...because "I deserve better", or some such nonsense like that...but in reality, every "good and perfect gift is from above"(James 1:17)....not of my own doing...and I really deserve death(Romans 6:23)...not the over abundance of blessing, like a spoiled child who gets everything she asks for WHEN she asks for it...

Because, my desire for more children, isn't "wrong" persay...but it IS wrong of me to be mad about others having children..."without due regard for the rights of others"...
It is a pain and a thorn, that I am currently trying to pray about..struggle with...ponder on....To stop being mad that other people have functioning reproductive systems...because neither they, nor I, need or deserve the stress of that...

And it is a daily struggle for me...even moment by moment...because it hits me as I walk through the Target isles....or drive around town and see a family taking a walk....or another friend announces yet again, a pregnancy...and I need to stop.  These people I come across should not be subject to my disdain, nor should I be getting THIS upset over a bad uterus.  I ALWAYS called Samuel my miracle baby...then I got greedy and expected multiple miracle babies.  Then I got mad at others who kept having the children I, wrongly, feel I deserve more than they. I need to really hear my own words...Samuel is a miracle, and he is my one and only miracle...and may always be my one and only....and it is by God's grace alone that I have him now...And I need to be content in that...(Phil. 4)

So for this February, I am learning to stop...I need to get over my faulty body.  I am turning 30 in a week, and the fertility slope gets ever steeper from this point on...I need to stop expecting pregnancy.  I am going to stop taking all the fertility herbs once I run out.  I am also going to stop tracking...it does me no good.  We've been "trying" for so long, that I am emotionally exhausted...my soul is tired.  So I am ardently trying to get back into old hobbies and routines. I'm also going to continue to limit my time on facebook...I dislike not having it at all, as I have been in January, but I probably won't be on to the extent I was....it brings a small amount of joy for a huge dose of heartache and bitterness.  It isn't facebook, it is me...

How can I be so covetous and depressed when I have this every day?! 

In love and peace,
Becca H.

Not great, but alive...

Today has just been a long day...I am taking a sabbatical from Facebook at the moment, and I usually share my joys and hardships there, but today I will share them here....

My wonderful sister is coming to town soon, and I wanted to deep clean the house anyways...so I have been cleaning and organizing a lot, both Friday and today....Saturday and Sunday I fed 500+ people chili and cookies, with my job, and left the cleaning for easier days :).  I finally used all the empty diaper boxes and packed away my son's baby clothes(12mo to 2T - he got big fast but used those clothes for a long time...)...I'm still weepy about this...so many precious memories...I had so wanted to really never "pack away" these things...because, I had hoped a new baby would be needing them soon...which is not happening.

In all my cleaning, I still did not find a few things I was looking for pretty desperately...(my son has some colored, wooden balls, for one of his favorite toys, and between our many guests, kittens, and toddler, 3 of the 4 are completely gone...)

I found my son's old cradle sheet...which brought on its own tears...I remember my mom bringing it by when my son was only a few weeks old, and she was so happy, because it was an organic sheet and it is so soft....
I cleaned out my son's old cradle, that had clean laundry forever filling it, for a friend's baby to use when she comes over to visit....it just breaks my heart how empty it looks...

Many of my friends are pregnant...or just had babies...and I feel like I am in "time out"...like God has me in the palm of His hand, but He has me in time out for disobeying in some way, that I am not aware of...and I see Him pass out babies to all the other girls...but I'm left behind...I think back to my days working in the court system, and some women can't seem to be NOT pregnant...they have 10, 15+ kids and can't take care of or raise them properly, and here I am desperate for a baby, and my body WILL NOT ACCEPT one.  I just don't understand, and I am so so frustrated.  Really and truly, frustrated beyond words.  (and please don't tell me to foster or adopt, it is something my husband and I have looked into and don't think it is right for us right now - we do support this with our limited financial means and really admire foster/adoptive parents)...

My husband and I fought over stupid stuff....I'm just so worn out and a hormonal mess since my miscarriage in October, and this added tension to our souls tonight....I am basically "stuck" in PMS right now, and these past few months have been really rough, plus I am struggling with postpartum depression and unexplained weight gain...

I pulled my knee running 10 days ago and it is still quite painful every.time.I.walk. (probably strained my MCL or something :( )  This is frustrating as I spend 10 hours on my feet in a tile-floor kitchen on a REGULAR basis...

I looked up health insurance and it is so so expensive...My husband's job as a contractor has no benefits and I only work part time, so neither of us have insurance.  Daniel fears that I'll get pregnant and have complications and need to go to the hospital and we'll be slammed with a huge bill....I just fear I'll never be pregnant again...plus, the only plans we could even remotely afford, have 10k deductibles, still a huge bill to swallow...

But in all of this, I am reminded how much I love my son...how I have a great husband and a good house....I love my job and we have an awesome bunch of friends...and wonderful extended families...

But I just want to weep...and just never come out of my room...I'm just very over smiling and being happy...cause I am not...when people ask me how I am, I smile and say "okay"...but even that is really a stretch..."not great, but alive" is a better answer...

I have such a great idea of what life should be...and how I should be...and how I want to be, and I am such a poor example of the image in my head....and I have no idea where to even begin to repair myself...I see these huge flaws and problems...and a few areas with improvement and ways to improve this or that...but the picture is still missing other children...and I don't know how to ever fix that...I have basically done everything humanly and spiritually possible and we are at the financial limit of doing anything major, like surgery and fertility clinics...

A long and tear filled day comes to an end...
Becca H.

One in four...

As October came to a close, I remembered so many of my friends who had suffered miscarriages and still borns...pain I hoped never to bear.  I prayed for those women....my sister especially...  Pregnancy and birth announcements, rom some of those same friends, filled my Facebook newsfeed....I was actually kind of excited...I was hoping to announce my own new pregnancy this Christmas.  Still in the very, VERY, early weeks...like one or two weeks, I knew I was pregnant.  I.just.knew.  I knew with my 2 year old, within a day or two of conception...I knew.  It took a test nearly four weeks to catch on, but I was certainly pregnant.  This time around, I knew, but there was no time for a test to catch up.  Unfortunately, my little life only blessed me for a short time.  I woke up one morning knowing I was pregnant, and about a week later, knowing I had lost the baby.  A few days after that, I started the miscarriage process. It wasn't that rough, as I was so early, and I was mainly confused...perhaps I wasn't truly pregnant?  Maybe I just psyched myself out?  Perhaps it was just a chemical pregnancy? (That is still a possibility)...

But I know what I felt...I felt pregnant...I had this immense joy overflowing in me...my breasts started aching with the awakening of glands...I started sleeping oddly and needing my naps...I would cry over silly little things, which is NOT typical of me at all!  And then I woke up that morning, and it was just...gone.  Just a few days later, I started with a strange spotting and clotting...and it didn't progress into a full "period"...for 8 days this went on...then BOOM...a heavy, bright red, weird cramping, period just came over me...oh little Life...you were so wanted...

I am still not sure how to cope with this loss...a life no one, but myself, can confirm existed.  Daniel was even convinced, as he remembered these same symptoms almost three years ago.  But with some research and my over-awareness of my body, I am sure this is what happened.

If you are the praying sort, please pray for me...please pray that I start coping with this, and that my rainbow baby is in my near future...I'm kind of in shock.  We have been "trying" for over a year and a half...and I weaned my son 6 months ago, with hopes of pregnancy...and this miscarriage has given me hope my body is at least changing...,but it is also scary thinking that this happened also...will it happen again?  Will it be worse next time?  Will I ever have another healthy pregnnacy?  I so desperately want more children and for my son to have siblings - plural...as in, at least two more babies...and it breaks my heart I already have one in heaven waiting for me...

I am exhausted, as I lie here remembering Oct 30...the day it was confirmed Baby was no more...the ache of joining that "one in four" club, at the end of the month devoted to remembering those lost little ones...a life only I knew.

I draw upon the Word in this time...Psalm 20:4 "May He grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans!" vs 9b "May He answer us when we call."

With sadness and exhaustion,
Becca H.

10 things not to say to an un-pregnant momma...

What people need to STOP being experts on…

Someone else’s fertility.  I may have, at some point, offended a lot of people with some of these very statements, so in advance, I apologize.  

10 Things people need to stop saying to women who are not pregnant:

1. “Don’t you want another baby?”  -  why yes, yes I do.  Can you get one for me?  Care to squeeze an ovary? Got a magic potion to transform non-pregnant women into pregnant ones!? There may be a plethora of reasons why I am not currently pregnant or adopting a baby…most/all of those reasons are not your business.
2. “Totally time for another baby!!”  - so glad you think so.  My family may not be having another baby, or may not be announcing a pregnancy just yet…but glad your brief observation of my family warrants your opinion on a life changing event…
3. “You’re STILL nursing?!”  - yes, I am.  I was pregnant for 41 weeks and 1 day, nursing a total of 16 months, and still going.  I realize I am not the norm in America, because I have far surpassed “normal” nursing amounts (only 27% of infants in America even nurse to 12 months), but don’t make me feel like a freak for doing so.  The American average age to stop nursing is 3 months.  The worldwide average is 4 years.  Yeah, pretty sure the average American is the freak, not me. I have LOVED nursing…we are trying to wean, but ONLY because of my fertility being stunted by the nursing.  We’re down to 2-3 feedings a day.  Progress ☺
4. “I know so-and-so got pregnant while nursing!”  - good for you.  I know her too.  She is 1 of 2% women who can get pregnant while nursing.  I am so happy that she has gotten exactly what she wants.  Do you know how that SOUNDS?!  It sounds like “hey, that girl we both know got your dream house, you can too!” and this is just not the case.  Fertility, especially while nursing, is super tricky.  Fertility is ALWAYS tricky.  You know I have a child already…I KNOW how to get pregnant.  Clearly, I am not at the moment.  Refer to #1, #2, and #3 above.
5. “Well, we’ve definitely prayed a lot about getting pregnant!”  - you think we haven’t?!  You think I don’t shed tears knowing my friends are getting pregnant when I want to be?  Or that they have children way younger than my son, and already have a very growing baby bump?  That they have been able to plan on their pregnancies, when Samuel was a complete shock and wanting him to be a big brother, very difficult?!
6. “Well, we feel led to have a large family.”  – good.  I do too.  I love love love being a momma.  I loved being pregnant(until that last week or two), didn’t mind my horrible 37 hour labor one bit.  I love the making of crazy kid snacks, the nursing, the cloth diapering, the baby wearing, the teaching to read and make animal noises, baby sign language…just love it all.  I’d love to have six or more children…(Daniel needs some convincing)… but at any rate, how do you know I DON’T feel led to having lots of children?  I have always pictured my family as having at least four kids…at LEAST…so I am glad that you are pregnant, but please don’t throw in the “God led us to this which is why we are pregnant, and I guess He didn’t to you, otherwise you’d be pregnant again!” card…that is how it sounds…
7. “All in God’s timing.”  – Yeah, I know that.  I have always struggled with patience and depending on God, instead of myself, but it isn’t comforting to know that God is NOT blessing our family with another child when it is desperately prayed for, thought of, etc.  It may be comforting in hindsight, but in the middle of the storm, knowing that the clear skies are far away and out of reach for unknown reasons, isn’t really comforting…
8. “You should just go to the doctor, they probably have something that can help you!”  - well, few things in that statement:  A. I don’t have insurance just “going to the doctor” needs to be a serious emergency to warrant the bill we’d rack up.  B.  I went to the doctor, a few months before I conceived Samuel, with fertility concerns.  I asked for progesterone to help, she said she could give me birth control(which originally caused ovulation problems for me years ago), and that was the end of that.  I looked up natural options for a healthy cycle, and was pregnant before I even got another period!  (please re-read that sentence)  Sorry, not going to go to a doctor that will waste months of time, putting me on birth control, only to take me off of it, to see if it will help with fertility, when I have a bad history of birth control making things a LOT worse for me.  This process could take months or years to go through and fix.  No thanks.  A fertility doctor will need me to go through all of that first, THEN see him after A YEAR of trying with no success.  So, the option is, after 2-3 years of problems, lots of money, etc. a medical doctor might be able to help.  No, thank you for the very obvious suggestion.
9. “Maybe you should just adopt.”  – while I love adoption, I think it is a great thing, etc. Neither Daniel nor I think that would be the best option for our family, for MANY reasons.  See #1.  If you are adopting, or have adopted, we have the utmost respect for you, and love/support what you are doing….
10. “It’ll work out for you, I’m sure you’ll be pregnant in no time!”  - while this is nice, and I am sure you are trying to be encouraging, this is probably not true…you don’t tell children they will probably get all A’s in school, and that super expensive toy they want for Christmas, when you have no idea what their parents’ financial situation is, or if they even get good grades.  While Daniel and I are healthy, see #4.

So please, when you want to say these things to a non-pregnant momma, please stop.  Just because she isn’t pregnant, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be, isn’t desperately trying, isn’t praying, or isn’t already at her wits end smiling and congratulating every pregnant woman(which seems to be every woman of childbearing age) she meets and sees on Facebook.  You don’t know the feelings behind the person…And yes, most women are “momma’s” whether or not they have physically birthed a child, because they know they love a child they have never even met…

P.S. these sayings have all been said to me in the last few months…I’m not making these up, or pulling them out of thin air.  I am also not trying to be passive aggressive and call people out on these sayings either.  The people who said them - I love dearly, and I understand they were not intending to hurt my feelings and have already been forgiven.

#thatisall

Becca H.